Johnny Walker's Columns

New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

I resolve not to make a new year’s resolution! That used to be my list! Of course, as John Mark once pointed out to me that as soon as I resolved to not make a resolution, I already failed because I made one.

So, this year I actually came up with a resolution: I will actually exercise, even though it goes against my philosophy of “No pain, no pain!” I am going to limit my exercise to sit ups. I might do more than that, but that is all I am going to “resolve.”

Why am I limiting myself to only one resolution? Probably to limit the number of failures within the month of January. I call this one, the better safe than sorry approach.

There are many different ways to go about this resolution making process. Some people actually list out a good number of resolutions in hopes that they will be able to keep just one of them. I call this the shot gun approach. Depending on how you look at the whole thing (how many I kept vs how many I didn’t) will determine if this perspective is the best approach for you.

Regardless whether you take the safe approach or the shotgun approach there are a few things you can do to increase your odds of successfully keeping your new year’s resolution for the upcoming year.

Make it a resolution you want to keep. As crazy as it sounds, some people will follow along with other people’s new year’s resolution. These seldom work out because if it’s not important to you, you probably aren’t going to remember to work on it.
Make it an achievable goal. Too often we set our goals so far ahead that we lose hope on our way to achieve them. There is nothing wrong with setting lofty goals, but don’t set it so high that you lose hope and give up.
Develop a plan. Even an achievable goal can seem impossible to reach without a plan. Make them specific actions that you are going to do and stick to them. Again, make sure that these action items are reasonable achievable
Hang around or read about others that are doing the same thing. The Bible refers to this as being equally yoked. If you can’t find people doing the same thing as you, at least look for blogs and articles on the internet for encouragement.
Accept that change will be required. You can have a goal and a plan and still wind up failing to achieve your goal because you were not willing to embrace change. Familiarity is often the enemy of achieving success. You can’t stay where you are and expect to wind up some place different!
Accountability. This one is a biggie! To be successful you must realize that you will be tempted to go back to old behavior patterns, and give trusted people around you the right to confront you when you do. You will also need to commit to listen to them and submit to their correction even when your feelings are screaming for you to go back to the old ways!

For those of us who would like to achieve something new or different in the upcoming year, we need to realize that it will take a certain level of effort! If you aren’t serious enough to take these steps, or other steps like these, then don’t be surprised if you are among the majority of new year’s resolution makers in June wondering what went wrong.

Whether you make a new year’s resolution or not, I hope you have a safe new year’s eve and a wonderful new year!

Bah Humbug To Scrooge

2011-12-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe that Christmas is just a few days away! It just doesn’t seem like we’ve been listening to Christmas music and seeing Christmas decorations in stores for three months yet.

It feels just like yesterday that I was standing in Wal-Mart near the Xbox game display on the eve of Black Friday when suddenly someone said, “It’s ten o’clock!” and they all hit the display so hard that within two minutes all the games were gone and the display was in a million pieces on the ground. It was like watching piranha attacking a piece of meat.

I would like to note here that even though I walked away from that display with the game that I had hoped to walk away with that I never pushed anyone or even touched the display. As people were grabbing games, the one I wanted flew behind three people and feel to the ground at my feet where I was able to simply bend down, pick it up and walk away; much to the amazement of many other disappointed shoppers. (True story!)

That coupled with the fact that I showed up at 9:45 pm and was packing up the van with almost everything on my list at 10:30 pm is going into a book I will write sometime in the future about the daily proof that there really is a God!

For those of you who have read my columns over the years you may recall that I have a bit of an “inner Scrooge.” I love what Christmas is supposed to be about, but for many reasons I don’t like what it has turned into. But this year is different.

This year has been great! I have been the one turning on the Christmas music, putting out the Christmas lights and even doing the black Friday shopping when Alisa wound up sick.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been perfect. My inner Scrooge did make an appearance last weekend when I drove to Khols only to discover that the item that my wife bought for me to give her (which she returned to the store when she saw my face that said, “Really? You are going to buy your own gifts this year?” and told me two days later that she returned it and that I would need to go to the store myself to buy) was now out of stock.

That was not a good day. But I have since apologized for my behavior and all has been forgiven. I am also learning to control my facial expressions in order to avoid such shopping madness in the future! So, we won’t talk about that.

So, what has been the difference this year? I wish I could say it was all me. That I made this internal choice that this Christmas would be awesome and I made it so, but sadly that is not the case. To be honest, it actually surprised me how none of the commercialization bothered me this year.

I think I just got to the point that I decided to be a part of the solution instead of hating the problem. It’s a whole lot more fun to look at everyone you talk to and say, “Merry Christmas!” (Especially if they just said, “Happy Holidays” to me!) It’s exciting to focus on what can be instead of focusing on what used to be. It fills me with hope, instead of sadness.

It’s a battle for your mind. Not just during the Christmas season, but every day. The Bible tells us to “renew our minds,” to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” and to “dwell on what is good.” You don’t ignore problems and pretend they don’t exist; however, you don’t have to dwell on them either.

So, when I am standing outside in the rain waiting to see Santa with my wife and children (for that is the forecast for the only time we can get our schedules synchronized) I am going to focus my thoughts on the excitement from Mitch and Jackson. I am also going to hold on to the moment, reminding myself that there aren’t too many of these left.

This Christmas I pray that as you remember the past you focus on the good memories and choose to forgive any bad ones that come up. I hope you stay focused at what is good, never forgetting that we are celebrating the birth of our precious Savior and Lord- Jesus Christ! While you are at it, pray that for me too!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Dear Me

2011-10-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

Watching Good Morning America with my wife this morning I saw a new book titled “Dear Me.” The author or organizer of the book had famous people write a letter to their sixteen year old self. Some of the celebrities were recorded reading their letters; I was amazed.

I started thinking about what I would write to my sixteen year old self. I thought it would be easy since I have been doing youth ministry and counseling with teenagers since my early twenties. My goal has always been to help young people make it through life with fewer scars than I had. However, the letter was more difficult than I first thought. Nevertheless, here it is:

Dear Johnny:

Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about you and just be you! You won’t find yourself on the pole vaulting runway or in the choir at church. Both will be a lot of fun for you, but you need to find your own path and stop trying to imitate other people.

You are correct in your thinking that religion is overrated and there is something very wrong with the legalism of the church. Sad thing is that this has been a problem from the very beginning and there are books written over 100 years ago that talk about the same problems the church is experiencing in 1984 and in 2011.

Start your ministry now! Don’t wait for some time in the future, and don’t bother asking anyone’s permission but God’s! Just look as far as your arms can reach and find people who are hurting. Use your freedom in Christ to put your talents to work as you help them.

You can’t fix anyone else. You can only increase the odds of success in relationships; other people have their own choices to make. Be willing to let people go that aren’t following your path! You eventually have to leave some people behind. It doesn’t make them bad people, just people on a different path than you. Trying to walk two roads only leads to a lot of back tracking; so just walk yours.

Take calculated risks. Think through your decisions, but not too much. If they aren’t against God’s word and you want to do it, go for it! Be willing for God to close doors. And don’t worry about failing. It’s just a normal step on the way to great success. Everyone fails; they just pretend they don’t by highlighting their limited successes.

Success has nothing to do with popularity or notoriety; it is using the gifts God gave you in the freedom he provides you to minister to as many people as you can while going on the ride of your life!

Enjoy the portion of your “life’s ride” today, and everyday; don’t look too far ahead or you will miss the fun of today. Have fun, run your race and never stop learning about your heavenly father. The more you learn about Him, the more you will discover about yourself!

One more thing… pump the breaks on that rainy day in June as the lady 100 feet in front of you stops in the middle of the road putting on her lipstick; slamming on your brakes will only make you slide into her!

And for the rest of you, I am curious: what would you tell your sixteen year old self? Why don’t you write it down and share it with your own children or the youth within the reach of your arms?

What Do You Believe?

2011-09-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

What do you believe? What do you believe about marriage, parenting, relationship, work, God, Jesus, or about the Holy Spirit and what he offers you on a daily basis?

These are important questions, because what you believe about them will affect how you act toward them and how you will allow them to influence you on a daily basis.

Once a belief is set in place it becomes the underlying influence for all thoughts and actions for the rest of your life until it is challenged and replaced!

To better understand this concept, look in Acts 16:31 where Paul is answering his jailer who asked, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul responded, “Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.”

In the English language there are several translations to the word “believe.” In the Greek, the language the New Testament was written in, there were several Greek words that each had a different definition for believe.

If someone were asked today, “Do you believe in God?” They could translate that to mean, “Do you suppose there is a God in heaven?” or “Do you believe in God so much that it effects your every day life?” and anywhere in between.
The Greek word “pisteuo” is used in Acts 16:31, and means to place confidence in, or to believe something so much that it becomes a part of why you do what you do.

Paul was not saying, “If you are willing to admit that Jesus was the Son of God, then that’s all you need to do!”

What Paul was saying was, “If you are willing to allow your belief in Jesus to change your entire life, to effect every decision, to become the why you do what you do, then that is all you need to do.”

This also works in all areas of your life. Your beliefs about anything affect your thoughts about those things and then effect your actions. So, the basis of what you believe becomes the driving force of everything you do.

Here’s the struggle. Before we knew Christ as our Savior we lived according to our sinful nature. As we went through our lives living this way we developed beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. Suddenly, we become Christians and we receive a new nature. Just because we have a new nature and a new “why” to do things, doesn’t automatically erase what we have chosen to believe up to this point.

The demonic want you to keep believing your old conclusions based on your old nature and old way of thinking. If they can keep you doing this, then there is a great chance that you will continue in old, sinful behaviors. Even if you work real hard at performing, the new actions that the church will teach you, you will eventually become tired and your beliefs will take over.

Until you challenge your old beliefs with the truth, your beliefs won’t change. You have to go through this process so that your beliefs (your “pisteuo” in the Greek) can affect everything you do!

If you want to change anything in your life, you must go to the depths of what you believe about that person, concept or situation and challenge it with the truth. Otherwise, you may perform in a new way for a little while, but eventually you will grow weak or tired and your belief system will take back over.

Changing these beliefs can be quite a battle. You may have to admit you are wrong or go against what your family has believed for years. If that what it takes then you have to do it in order to believe.

Jesus himself said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters- yes even their own life, such a person cannot be my disciple.” (Luke 14:26 NIV)

Know what it means to believe. Know what you believe. Know why you believe it. Then you will be prepared to make the changes necessary to live the life you are chasing after!

Johnny Walker is a Christian counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.

Defining Levels of Friendship

2011-08-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

People are different, and there is nothing wrong with that; it just is. Our needs are different, our desires are different, even how we define certain things are different, and one of those things is friendships.

I have written before how there are different levels of friendships: acquaintances, good friends and best friends. In that column I described these levels as a bulls eye with best friend in the center, and how people will flow through those levels because of the seasons in our life.

For example, someone who was your best friend in college may only be a good friend or acquaintance today because they moved across the country and neither of you took the time or energy to stay connected.

If you moved next door to each other next month it is possible that the relationship could move rather quickly from acquaintance to best friend. It is also possible that you have taken such different paths in life that what you require for a best friend is impossible for them to meet.

Another factor that is import to understand is how people define these levels of friendship differently and the factors that motivate how they come to those conclusions.

I require a lot out of my relationships. For you to be included in best friend ring you have to have pretty consistent contact with me. That contact can include me helping you with your problems, but it also has to include you being interested in hearing about my pain and help me with my issues.

In today’s electronic world you could fall into my best friend ring if we get along and there has been a consistency in intimate contact. By that I mean phone calls or face to face conversations. These conversations have to go deeper than the weather, politics and other surface issues. If you gauged the depth of relationship using the illustration of a swimming pool, I not only swim in the deep end; I know what the grate at the bottom of the deep end looks like!

Let’s say I have a friend named Mark. Mark’s personality is different than mine. He doesn’t enjoy people like I do. Where I need to be around people, he enjoys people on occasion but can not have contact with them for periods of time and it not even cross his mind that he hasn’t heard from them.

Where I define a best friend by deep intimate conversations several times a week, Mark only requires a moderate level of intimacy two or three times a month for someone to fit into his best friend ring. Marks “deep end” is what I consider the middle of the pool.

You might think because his requirements are so much easier to meet than mine that Mark would have a lot more best friends than me, but that isn’t the case. Because he doesn’t require much contact from people, he doesn’t reach out to people that much.

What is even more interesting is that Mark might consider me a best friend if I call him and check on him twice a month. However, Mark is only in my good friend ring as he only calls me once a month.

There is nothing wrong with Mark thinking I am one of his best friends, because according to his definitions I am. There is also nothing wrong with me thinking he is only a good friend, as he only meets my requirements for that level of friendship.

This is important to understand because we often think if I am Mark’s best friend he has to be my best friend. If Mark believed that then he would be spending a lot of time and energy doing things that drive him nuts! He has no desire whatsoever to talk about deep and intimate things spiritually or otherwise. He is a very private person and that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Understanding that people will flow through the levels of friendship throughout the seasons our lives and that our personalities define those levels of differently enables us to enjoy each other without having unrealistic expectations of each other.

If we don’t give others these freedoms we will find ourselves feeling rejected when we are not, requiring things out of friends that they don’t want to give, or running people off that we could have enjoyed a friendship with for many years to come.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and can be contacted at www.FamilyWorks.net

Levels of Friendship

2011-08-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants friends. Even the grumpiest of individuals wants at least one or two. We are born with the need desire; it's innate. God created us for a relationship with Him. He has a desire to love and be loved, and being created in His image, so do we.

When children show up at a playground they look for other little people they know, and if they don't know someone they will try to join a group or another child to play. The sad children are usually not the ones spending time with others; they are typically the ones that are off by themselves. In fact, when my children come inside the house with sad looks on their faces and I ask them what is wrong they will say, "There is no one to play with!"

If we are built with a desire for friendship, and as children we automatically reached out for friendship, why is it that a lot of people feel lonely or are not reaching out to others? The answer is multifaceted, but it can be summed up in one word, fear.

At some point we learn to fear others. Maybe you were teased or excluded from a group you tried to hang out with. Others may have been abused and learned that people couldn't be trusted. Abused children often decide that being lonely is a whole lot better than being abused, and they carry that behavioral pattern into adulthood.

In my experience as a counselor I have found that most everyone has some level of hesitancy about reaching out to others. Making friends 101 wasn't a class they taught in kindergarten, and because we are left with a trial and error method we can wind up assuming things about friendships that just aren't true.

Lately I have been working with quite a few teenagers and adults that have had misconceptions that led to dysfunctional behavior. Some of these individuals were loners, afraid to reach out because they didn't want to be rejected. Others were considered very popular and yet they were afraid to limit the number of deep friendships and found themselves exhausted, feeling used and lonely.

I want to share some simple truths about friendship that helped them through their dilemmas.

There are levels of friendships. Think of the levels as a bulls eye with the word "best" in the center, "good" in the middle ring, "acquaintance" on the outer ring, and the word "memories" outside the entire bulls eye.

Most people understand that there are levels of friendship, but what don't realize is that it is natural for people to flow in and out of those rings. There are several reasons this phenomenon occurs; one is location.

Most friendships are seasonal. For example, you may hang out with coworkers for lunch or after work twice a week. You enjoy these times and you share a lot of your problems, interests, and joys; you may even celebrate each other's birthdays.

The relationship feels like a close friendship, but the day you stop working there you suddenly realize you don’t talk with them as much. You might Facebook them a birthday wish, but you don't make the party, Why? Because you aren't worthy? No! It's simply because you aren’t around them as much as you used to be.

Seasons can include: work, marriage, churches, the neighborhood or state you live in, life choices, death, and other life changes.

If you don't realize that friendships will flow through the different levels of friendship during the different seasons in life you can wind up feeling like there is something is wrong with you. You might feel rejected or you might drop a friendship altogether because you expected it to always remain in the good friend level and it moved to acquaintance.

An unrealistic expectation of how long your friendships can last can lead to hurt feelings, gossip, passive aggressive behaviors, low self esteem, and even depression.

Remember, when the season of life changes friendships can move into a deeper level of friendship as well. One of my best friends today was someone I met when i was ten years old. There was a year in high school we didn’t hang out because of a season he was going through, and there were several years in our twenties that our friendship was in the good level instead of the best level.

As we got older we realized how rare our friendship was and we cultivated it more carefully. Although we live on different ends of the east coast he is still a best friend.

Friendships take a lot of work. But it's helpful to understand how seasons in life will have an effect on the level of those friendships, and that it is ok for your friendships to flow through those different levels.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling

A New Perspective

2011-06-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I just arrived back home from Montevideo, Uruguay on the red eye this morning. I had the privilege of spending a little over a week on the outskirts of Montevideo working with Sinai Church. It was the most amazing week; full of revelation and the power of God.

We were dedicating the new church that had been built; it is a new mission they were starting. Before you envision a regular American church, let me give you the correct picture.

First off, it is winter down there. It was in the low 60’s in the day and around freezing at night. This mission that was built was much like their homes; it was made of block and had glass windows and metal doors. There was no central heat and it didn’t even have a fireplace.

The electrical was crudely run and lights hung by wires that were dangling over the metal beams about 8 feet from the rough concrete floor. They did have one space heater in the back of the 70 x 25 foot room, but they didn’t care; they just bundled up and brought their Bibles.

They showed up for all three dedications and instead of grumbling that they had to give up that time to go to a church without heat, they praised God that they could walk down the street instead of walking about a mile to Church Sinai in the next neighborhood over.

The leadership of Church Sinai had no problems with walking that mile in the freezing weather to worship with their brothers and sisters in Christ! The only vehicles that were driven were used to drive some of their guests (our team) back and forth.

I have never seen such love, such dedication, and such a desire for the Holy Spirit of God in my entire life. I was one of the guests invited to preach and the whole time I thought, “I should be sitting at their feet, learning from them!” But they needed to be trained and encouraged in certain areas, so I took what I knew from my training and experience and gave it to them. It was the most humbling experience of my life.

I sit here in shock. Embarrassed at how I have treated my walk with the Lord, ashamed by how little I have reached out to my neighbors, crestfallen about what I haven’t taught my own children spiritually, and distraught at how I handle the wealth God has entrusted to me, and repentant for it all.

I don’t feel guilty about what I have been given; however, I have been chastised by the Lord about how I use it. The people of Church Sinai have nothing and they give everything. They truly understand that all they have is from the Lord and they have no problem giving it away. They know that God will meet their needs, and they don’t confuse their needs with their desires.

The problem with being wealthy (and we are all wealthy compared to the majority of the earth’s population) is that the more you have, the more you are afraid of losing it!

You don’t have to sell all you have and give it to the poor, but we all need to look around us and intentionally seek out those in need and do all we can to help meet them. People’s needs come in many forms: physical, financial, emotional and spiritual.

You don’t have to travel to another country to do mission work. I would be willing to be you wouldn’t have to look very hard to find someone in need around you. What good does it do to preach truth to them when they are in such dire need? The book of James tells us that it is useless!

Start looking for some needs in your neighborhood. Get together with your family and discuss ways to meet those needs, and then go do it! Don’t just let people hear about God; let them feel God’s love through your hands, and train your children in the process.

That’s what I am going to do. I hope you will join me!

Johnny Walker is a Christian counselor and life coach, and is the founder of Family Works Counseling.

What Are Your Goals?

2011-05-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

Having goals seems like a lot of work, doesn’t it? For most people they are like new years resolutions- a wish list. They don’t really expect to achieve them, although it would be nice if they could. But could is a word that is used more like an excuse instead of the first step to inspire them to achieve something better.

I used to hate setting goals, because I believed the lie that if I set a goal and didn’t meet it then I was a failure. I also saw setting goals that other’s new about it as risking public humiliation.

The truth is even the most successful people fail on a daily basis. The billionaires often lose millions of dollars on a venture they invested in, but that is not focused on or seen as failure. The only thing we see is their fancy car or their big house.

Every successful person has goals, and every failure doesn’t!

That being said there is something that needs to happen before you can set goals and be fulfilled once you reach them: you have to define what success is. There are as many ways to define success as there are people in the world.

Most often the word success is defined monetarily: the big house, the nice car, the large checking account. However, we also find a lot of “successful” people in Hollywood that are empty and depressed.

Defining success has many levels: relationships, spiritual aspects, standard of living, philanthropy, provision, the ability to inspire, the ability to create, freedom from debt, and the list goes on.

It is important to define success in each of these areas so your overall vision of success is congruent with who you are. For example, let’s say I based my success on being able to provide better for my family and to pay for my children to go to any college they wanted to, but don’t have any goals that focus on having healthy, deep relationships with my family or teaching them spiritual truth.

By only focusing on a few area of success I would wind up achieving success in some areas of my life, but still find myself feeling empty in other areas. It is important that your goals move you toward your define of success in all areas of your life; balance them equally.

Once you have defined what success is to you, you can now start setting goals. It is when we become intentional and set goals that we increase our chances of success.

In each area of success you need to set long term goals: 3-5 years, short term goals: 1 month – 2 years and daily goals. Your daily goals should lead you toward your short term goals, and your short term goals should lead you to your long term goals.

If you only have long term goals you will eventually become discouraged and give up. If you only have short term or daily goals you will eventually become bored.

These goals are not wishes that you are making about the future, but obtainable steps that will continually encourage your toward your long term goal. Achieving your short term goals should make you feel excited and proud of yourself. It is that feeling that will encourage you forward.

It is also important to reward yourself on a regular basis. I once looked at a fancy restaurant as said to my son, “If I get the new job we are going to celebrate as a family by eating there!” Every time we passed that restaurant my son would say, “I can’t wait to eat there!”

Start defining what success means to you. You may find that you are already successful, or you just might find out that you haven’t been challenging yourself enough and you can achieve more for yourself and others!

Johnny Walker is a Christian counselor and Coach, and the founder of Family Works Counseling

You Always Suffer By Comparison!

2011-05-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

Alisa and I have two “sets” of children: Ann Marie and John Mark are in high school and Mitch and Jackson are in elementary school. As much as Alisa and I try to treat both sets equally it is very difficult. It isn’t that we are too tired to discipline or anything like that, its just we know a little more as parents or our ability to provide for them is a little different. Don’t get me wrong, I know our older two children had a great childhood! They were happy, played with friends, were involved in sports and we went to church as a family.

I find it interesting that they don’t typically recall bad memories by themselves, but they sometimes take a good memory and turn it into a negative one by comparing themselves as children with their younger brothers. Having been raised in a similar family dynamic (I was in John Mark’s position) I can remember doing the same thing! The truth is that we all compare ourselves to others; we do it everyday!

If there is one thing I have learned about comparison as a counselor it is that everyone suffers by comparison!

Comparison is as attempt by someone to make them feel better about themselves by rating their accomplishments or abilities to someone else. Even if you are on the winning end of a comparison there is always a nagging fear that you won’t win the next one.

In fact, comparisons can take on a bullying aspect. If we see someone that is better at us in sports we might start talking about and comparing how everyone did on the math test; that is, if we did well on the math test. We learn at a very young age to take control of the comparison game to ensure a better chance of coming out on top.

Even if we don’t compare ourselves to others publicly we often look at other’s strengths and wonder why we don’t have the same ones, all the while discounting the strengths that we possess. Most of the time we don’t even realize that we are degrading ourselves; we just know we feel bad.

Instead of allowing the world to train our children to compare themselves to others, we need to intentionally train our children to make assessments and evaluate the world around them.

Comparison is very different than assessing or evaluating. Comparison has you looking at other people to see if you measure up. It’s about depending on others for your self worth.

Assessing and evaluating allows you to know who you are and has you take your morals, values and self worth out into the world to find others who are like you. Assessing means you are looking at other peoples actions to see if they have character traits and values like your own. Evaluating means you take what you just learned and decide if you are going to invest time in a relationship with that person; it helps you decide if they will be an acquaintance, close friend, or someone to avoid.

When we use comparison we risk abandoning our morals and values so we can measure up to those around us. Because God made us different so we could fulfill different purposes within his kingdom we will always see differences when we use comparison.

Comparison says those differences are bad and encourages us to pretend to be someone we are not so we can fit in. As Christians we should never compare ourselves to others. We need to know who we are in Christ, we need to recognize the gifts and abilities God has given us and we need to assess and evaluate the world around us in order to be equally yoked in friendships.

When we move from comparison to assessing and evaluating we can enjoy our relationships instead of living in fear that we will never measure up to those around us!

Why Bad Things Happen

2011-05-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if there is an increase in the number of disasters in the world today compared to forty years ago or if it just feels that way because of modern technology. Forty years ago we might have seen a picture in the paper about the tsunami in Japan; today if we have enough notice there are web cams we can access to watch it occur live! At the very least the images are thrown in front of your faces over and over on CNN, MSNBC and Fox News.

Regardless of how often they are occurring, there is one question that seems to get asked especially by those who were directly affected by the disaster. That question is “Why?” “Why did my house get hit and not my neighbors?” “If it is true that God spared them, why didn’t he spare me?”

Why do bad things happen? The simple answer is Satan. In scripture Satan is referred to as the prince of this world (John 12:31, John 14:30). He is also called the god of this age in 2 Corinthians 4:4. In Ephesians 6:12 we are told that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Look at those words: rulers, authorities and powers. Although God is in control it would seem that scripture indicates that Satan has power and authority here on earth, at least for now. So where did he get that power? Why would God create a world and then turn it over to Satan?

The answer is, “He didn’t!”

If we look back in Genesis 1:28-29 we see God’s blessing over Adam and Eve after he created them. He gave mankind dominion over the world. That dominion came with a warning not to eat of one tree, the tree of knowledge of good and evil. We all know the end of this story; they chose to eat and sin entered into the world.

Looking at the totality of scripture it seems that we are the ones who were given dominion and when we sinned we transferred that dominion over to Satan. Satan hates mankind because God loves mankind.

We find in the story of Job that Satan uses disasters in an attempt to lead us away from God. We also find that God blesses those who remain faithful to him in spite of their circumstances.

The promises of God that we find in scripture aren’t the promises of a better life in the world. He doesn’t promise worldly success and riches. His word shows a promise of strength in the midst of adversity (1 Corinthians 10:13), a promise that we will never have to face trouble alone (Matthew 28:20), and a promise of peace in spite of circumstances (Philippians 4:4-7). These are just a few of the promises of God.

God chose at the beginning of time to allow free will. He had to in order for us to truly have a relationship with Him. Throughout scripture we see periodic intervention by God, but each time it seems to be focused on creating a better relationship with Him. God provided the ultimate intervention for mankind when he allowed his own Son to be murdered in our place.

Satan has power, but he is not in complete control! Sin, death, pain, troubles, and more entered in the world at the first bite of the forbidden fruit.

Know that bad things will continue to occur until Christ comes back for the final battle. Know that we are not promised a perfect life. Let’s face it, we won the genetic lottery being born in America; however, even America is proof that we can not build a perfect society.

Don’t seek peace among the treasures of this world. Seek God in good times and bad. Prepare for bad times and remain faithful to Him and you will reap the true promises of God!

I don’t pretend to understand it all, but I do know that there is a time for everything. I do know that Christ will return and there will eventually be a new heaven and a new earth. But until then be comforted with the words Jesus used in John 16:33 to comfort his own disciples before he was crucified, “I have told you these things so that in me (Jesus) you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.

Motivation

2011-04-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I had the honor of being a breakout speaker for a couple of sessions at the national conference for the National Organization of Victim Assistance. I had a great time and from that experience was asked to do a couple of breakout sessions for the New Mexico Victim Assistance Conference.

When I received the contract for the break out sessions it had “Keynote Speaker” listed instead of breakout sessions. When I called them for clarification they told me that after discussing it with one of their members who was at the NOVA conference, they wanted me to be the keynote speaker. They wanted me to motivate them after a week of serious topics.

When I got off the phone I must have had a dazed look on my face, because my wife looked at me and asked what was wrong. I replied, “They want me to be a keynote speaker.” She was excited and said, “What’s wrong with that?” I said, “They want me to motivate them and be funny for an hour!"

At this point Ann Marie (thirteen at the time) walked through the room. She stopped and looked at me with this horrified look on her face and asked, “Did you tell them you’re not funny?”

You have to love kids! But let’s face it; we are often entertained by motivational speakers, but we are rarely motivated beyond a day or two by what they say. The reason is because what you hear from a speaker is in direct competition with what really motivates you.

Something motivates you to do everything you do. Some of these motivators are negative and some are positive, others are bad and still others are good. It’s important to note here that not all negative motivators are bad and not all positive motivators are good.

Many people are motivated by fear. Fear of failure, fear of conflict, fear of being fired, fear of not being accepted, fear of being chastised; the list is as endless as our fears. All of these fears have both a positive and a negative side.

Let me give you and example: I hate details. I love my job because it allows me to talk to people, learn about their needs and to help them find solutions. Most days are awesome! But then there is the dreaded paperwork!

We are supposed to report our activity daily, but we all know that isn’t happening! Why? Because they only check on it monthly! So at the end of the month you will find me sitting on my bed at 11:00 at night frantically entering in my activities for the month!

My fear of being chastised for having my name at the bottom of the activity list on the webinar the following week will actually motivate me to finally get my paperwork done.

But what if having that paperwork piling up all month caused me enormous amounts of stress? If the stress level is high enough the desire to avoid that stress would motivate me to develop a daily routine to enter my daily activity so it wouldn’t be hanging over my head.

Our motivation causes us to act!

The question that most of us don’t ask ourselves is what motivates me, and why does it motivate me? Asking yourself these two questions can lead you down an interesting path as you discover what events in your past affected you and influenced how you think.

So what motivates you, the desire to succeed or the fear of failure? The love you have for your spouse or the fear of divorce? Is it the desire for your children to know boundaries or the fear of conflict?

If you don’t take the time to figure out what motivates you and why you will be at the whim of your emotions, for it is your emotions that take over when your mind takes a break!
Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.

Made For A Purpose

2011-02-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Everyone is searching for purpose in life. When we were five and six years old people would ask us, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” It doesn’t stop there; in fact, it gets worse near the end of high school!
My daughter is a senior this year and found herself struggling with the answer to that question. So many people around her seemed to know the answer that she felt like something was wrong that she wasn’t one hundred percent sure.

To be honest, at forty-two years of age I am still trying to figure out the answer to that question! Today I am a counselor to teenagers and families who pretends to be a door hardware salesmen by day. I can’t promise you what I will be doing this time next year!

The problem my daughter and millions of people run into is thinking that what you do defines who you are. “What do you want to do” suddenly becomes “who do you want to be?”

When I was a cop I often told rookies: “There are two kinds of cops. There is the ‘man makes the badge’ kind and the ‘badge makes the man kind.’ Be the first one!” In other words, “Know who you are and bring that to the job!”

I have been reminded recently of a truth that I have known since I was a young man. This truth becomes the path of understanding who I am. It is the truth of why I was, and why you were, created.

The simple truth is this: We were created to have a deep, intimate relationship with God.”

When God created man he already had beings that worshipped him, and he had already created beings that had free will. (Satan had already taken one third of the angels and rebelled against him and were cast out of heaven!)

When God created man there was a distinct purpose is setting him in the Garden of Eden where he could eat from any tree in the garden except one. That one tree became the deciding factor between us wanting to be like God, or simply having a relationship with him.

In Genesis it says God showed up in the cool of the evening to walk with Adam and Eve. Think about this for just a minute. Walking with someone is one of the best avenues to develop intimacy. When we walk with someone we share our thoughts and feelings, we have experiences together, and we grow closer and closer after each walk.

Your purpose in life is this simple: To have a relationship with God.

He created each of us uniquely in His image. Some of us like to walk by the river, others like to walk in the woods, and others may like to walk through the city streets. The Lord will walk with you anywhere you want to walk. He enjoys the fact that you want to walk with Him and that you are enjoying part of the creation He made for you to enjoy.

What you do on a daily basis is a choice he leaves to you. There are some unique callings in life, but for the most part the choice is yours! All he wants is for you to know him better. That’s it!

You even get to have freedom in how you spend time with him! We all need to understand His truth, but if you hate reading you can listen to God’s word on CD! Maybe you feel closest to God when you sing- so sing!! If you feel closest to God in nature, take a daily walk on a nature trail, sit in the backyard for a few minutes during your day, or find a quiet room to look out the window and just be still.

You don’t have to worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, because you already are! God gave you a new nature when you accepted Christ. There is no more work to be done, only new things to learn and understand.

As you get to know God better, you will get to know who you are now better! So, get out there and go for a walk!

I See You!

2010-02-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

I saw the movie Avatar with my father a few weeks ago. I usually don’t like movies that get all the accolades, but this one was even better than the hype! One of the aspects of the movie that I really liked concerned the Avatar people and how they related to each other. They would greet each other with the phrase, “I see you.”

At first glance this didn’t seem like a big deal, but during the movie it was explained that the phrase doesn’t just mean that they physically saw each other, but they saw the person. They saw who they are; their character, their talents, their weaknesses, the whole package.

The phrase wasn’t said with a condescending tone, but with acceptance and respect. They may not always agree with each other, but they understood each other and accepted one another. I thought to myself, “Wow! Who wouldn’t want someone to say that to them!”

How amazing would it be to hear the people around us greet us in such a way that it told us that they not only acknowledge our presence, but our personhood. To be seen in such a way that you felt understood and accepted. That even though they may not agree with you on some things, that they respect your right to have those opinions and make those decisions.

Because we don’t usually acknowledge the people around us in this manner most people walk around thinking that they have to hide who they are, or at least certain aspects, from others. Most people at some level think, “If they really knew me they might not like me.” They’ve proven it by telling us things we have done to hurt them, or maybe they’ve made fun of us or talked about us behind our backs.

What’s truly sad is that most spouses don’t feel that they are truly “seen” by their mates. They exist around each other more than they live with each other. Many couples spend much of their energy trying not to upset one another. Learning to understand each other, let alone accepting each other is way on the back burner if it’s on the radar at all.

What about our children? Do they believe that we “see” them? Or do they think we are just trying to control them, judge them, or do we simply ignore them? Do you think they feel understood and accepted?

Take some time this week to really see your family. Tell them all the wonderful things about them; their character traits, their talents, their gifts. You can even let them know that you see some of their fears, but make sure you leave the conversation with them knowing that you accept them.

You might need to write some things down and think about it before approaching them. It might even seem awkward to say those things to them. I promise you, the more you say them the less awkward it will seem. But don’t let that feeling of awkwardness stop you, because if there is one thing everyone desires, it’s to truly be seen!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.

The Importance of Being Wrong

2009-11-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny is sitting in class trying to pay attention. Not being the scholarly type he is lucky to be getting by grade wise. To be honest, he is more interested in the people around him. He likes people and he wants them to like him. Suddenly the unusual occurs: the teacher actually asked a question that he knows the answer to. Wanting the people around him to think he is smart he raises his hand as high as possible can; his fingers start rapidly moving back and forth as he does his best to get the teacher’s attention.

The teacher is surprised to see little Johnny’s hand in the air, and calls on him. Knowing he has the right answer, Johnny smiles from ear to ear as he proudly offers it to the class. Unfortunately for little Johnny his answer is wrong. His smile fades as he sinks back into his chair while the teacher goes to the next child to find the correct answer to the question.

No one says anything to little Johnny. No one teases him, no one makes a snide remark, and even worse: no one explained to him how great it was that he tried to come up with the right answer. No one bothered telling him that even though being right may be the end result that we are seeking, being wrong over and over is part of our journey. No one cheered his attempt; therefore, what he had already assumed to be true, that being right is all that matters, was solidified even more into his psyche.

Eventually little Johnny learned to rationalize why he was wrong. He would explain himself and his logic. He eventually began to refuse to be wrong and attempt to prove that he was really right. Even though he knew he was wrong, it became more important to feel like he was right than it was to be right. Why? Because he continued to believe the lie that being right is all that matters. So he convinced himself to believe more lies so he could at least feel like he was right.

Little Johnny is not the only one who had an experience like this, and I am willing to bet that somewhere along your journey you experienced something similar. Somewhere in our lives we begin to believe that being right is the ultimate goal. What we have failed to learn is how to be wrong.

This is especially true in relationships. We assume things about the other person and when we are wrong we find ourselves arguing our case. We spend all of our energy trying to prove that they are wrong and we are right. Some people argue their case out loud to get others to agree, while others simply rationalize their behavior in their own minds and continue in their dysfunction.

There are many reasons for this, but I believe the biggest reason is because we don’t know how to be wrong. We actually believe that if we are wrong in our assumptions then something must be wrong with us.

There is nothing wrong with being wrong; however, there is something wrong with staying wrong. Allow me to explain. If I assume something about my wife that isn’t correct and I have not developed the emotional skill of being wrong then I will spend my energy proving that I am right. Even if I can intellectually prove that I am correct, I will still be wrong and the relationship will continue to suffer.

However, if I assume something about my wife and she tells me I am wrong, I realize that being wrong is part of the process of learning to understand her better and I am willing for her to tell me the truth, then I can learn what it is she needs and spend my energy providing for her needs and improving our relationship instead of wasting my energy on my need to be right and damaging our relationship.

Being wrong is a part of a functional relationship; staying wrong is what creates dysfunction and damages relationships. What is amazing is that we already know that being wrong is a natural part of the process. We typically don’t get angry with people for being wrong when they try to understand our needs. However, we can become furious when they stay wrong and refuse to understand our needs.

To develop the emotional skill of being wrong you have to intentionally look for ways that you are wrong. It’s easy; just listen to the people around you. When they say, “No, that’s not right,” just keep your mouth shut and listen. Refuse to explain yourself and instead repeat back to them what they said after “No, that’s not right.”

You will be surprised at how people will enjoy you being wrong. They won’t care that you misunderstood them in the beginning, because all they care about is how you understand them in the end.

So, get out there and keep being wrong; just refuse to stay wrong!

Dealing With Stress

2009-06-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine called me today and asked “what do you do when you can’t get your mind to stop racing?” He found himself so overwhelmed with things at home and at work that whenever he got up to do something he found himself pacing the floor.

Most all of us have felt this kind of stress before. You may not have found yourself literally pacing the floor, but your mind was racing and you couldn’t find a place to get started. Other times we find ourselves starting one task and then before we get five minutes into it our stress gets us thinking about another task and we jump up and start working on that one.

Bottom line: We don’t get anything done!

There was a great comedy sketch Bob Newhart did a few years ago. He reprised his role as a counselor and a woman came into his office with all her problems and he told her, "I think I have the answer." She waited for his reply as he leaned over his desk and sternly said, “Stop it!”

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just “stop it?” Although that was a funny sketch it's not very good advice! For those of you who are like me andneed a little more than that, here are some steps you can take to help alleviate stress:

1. Just breathe! It is a proven fact that if we slow down our breathing our heart rate will slow down too. Close your eyes and breathe in slowly through your nose and slowly exhale though your mouth. Repeat this a few times until you feel your heart rate slowing down.

2. Make a “to do” list. Most people hate lists, and I am one of them. However, I can’t dispute the fact that when I am stressed and I write things down on paper it makes it easier for me to find a place to start.

3. Prioritize. Look at your “to do” list and put an A by everything that has to get done today. Write them on a new piece of paper in order of importance.

4. Start with number one. Take the first thing off your list and start doing it. If you start thinking about other items on that list, remind yourself that you will get to them once this task is complete.

5. Give yourself a break! Remember: you can only do what you can do! Superman and Superwoman were fictional characters, not models for the person we should try to become!

There is no way to remove stressors in our lives, but there are ways for us to deal with them. It’s when we don’t deal with them that they can pile up and cause such stress that it throws us into dysfunction.

The next time you feel the pressure of stress creeping up on you, try these five steps and see if you don’t feel a little better.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.

Finishing Is All That Matters

2009-04-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

I can remember the evening Chris walked into my office. He was dressed in black and his hair was long and unkempt. His very presence exuded rebellion.

Chris professed to be an atheist, hated the church and used drugs as an escape. To say Chris was a drug addict wouldn't be quite accurate; he was addicted to feeling good. He didn't seem to care about any certain drug, he just didn't want to feel bad.

I wish I could say that by the time he left me he was a Christian and high on Jesus instead of drugs, but that wouldn't be the truth. Through our conversations he did stop professing atheism and began to share is frustration with the "plastics" at church. He admitted God was there but was still struggling with making a commitment to Christ. (He didn't want to be like everyone else.)

Chris left me for rehab; I was only there to walk with him on a portion of his journey to the cross. There were many others before and after me! I remember the Sunday morning he found me in the church parking lot to tell me he had accepted Christ as his Savior. You couldn't pry the smile from his face!

It wasn't many months after that day when I heard the news that Chris had been diagnosed with cancer. My heart broke. "Not Chris," I thought, "Not this teenager who ran to drugs to mask his pain. How will he handle this?" I began to pray; along with many, many others.

A few months ago Chris returned one of my phone calls. We met for lunch where I anticipated I would spend time building him up and encouraging him. I sat there in amazement as Chris testified for over an hour about how incredible his life was. He looked at me and said, "I don't know if I have two hours, two days, two weeks, two months, two years or twenty years. All I know is that whatever my lifetime is, I am to spend it glorifying God!"

I looked at him across the table and said, "You are my hero!" He just smiled and blushed.

Chris went to be with our Lord on the Eve of Easter 2009. He never faltered in his faith! He finished his race; his earthly lifetime was over. One of my heros is gone from the face of the earth.

Chris wasn't my hero because he used to do drugs and became a Christian. He was my hero because this young man in his late teens, this baby Christian, faced such pain and adversity that would send most people to curse God in such a manor that he earned my respect and admiration.

It was how he finished the race that won my heart. Amid all his imperfections he stood before God on Easter morning and heard those words I long to hear from Jesus, "Well done my good and faithful servant!"

Way to go, Chris! Great finish! I'll see you later!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.

The Law of Commonality

2009-04-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

Most marriages are built on the foundation of infatuation, otherwise known as sexual attraction. More proper people will call it “chemistry.” Let’s face it; most of us didn’t know what love was when we first got married. We were totally wrapped up in our fiancé and we were willing to commit the rest of our lives to them. Of course 60% of us didn’t really mean it when we said, “for better or for worse.” (And that is the percentage of divorces of church going Christians!)

I think we are seeing so many divorces today because of the law of commonality. The law of commonality simply states that “strong relationships are built on strong common bonds.” Unfortunately for most Americans, infatuation is not a strong common bond.

Common sense proves this law. We select friendships based on commonalities. We may play a sport with them, we may work with them, growing up we were in the same class and liked to do the same things. Police officers from different states and countries have an automatic bond between them when they meet. Why? Because they have similar experiences that most of the world’s population doesn’t. The same holds true for war veterans!

We can look at history and see this law in action. Strong nations are built on commonalities. “United we stand, divided we fall!” Our nation was strong when we were a melting pot; when different cultures came together and found common ground. We began to fall apart when we changed to a “salad bowl” back in the 1980’s and started claiming that by celebrating our differences we would become a stronger nation!

Did you know that most first marriages are based on infatuation while more second marriages are based on friendship? Teenagers think it’s gross to be attracted to a friend of the opposite sex. The truth is that when they are ready to look for a life long mate, their greatest chances of success will come from finding a friend to fall in love with! The most successful marriages are those who enjoy doing things together.

Even scripture talks about this law. 2 Corinthians 6:14 states “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” Our friendships, our dating relationships, our marriages will all find more success if we simply submit to this truth. It starts with the commonality of Christianity, but it doesn’t stop there. God wants us to enjoy each other and gives us a guideline to find friends and spouses that we have a lot in common with!

Ignoring the law of commonality will develop weak relationships. Weak relationships increase divorce, strife and it can even destroy nations!

You may have started your marriage off with infatuation, but you can still begin to explore each other’s interests and find those activities and values you have in common. Focusing on your differences will tear you apart and leave you and your children in the wake of divorce. But by finding those common threads and focusing your attention there, you will find more enjoyment in your relationship and that can lead to discovering commonalities you never knew you had!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547.

The Law of Action

2009-04-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

There are laws that govern relationships, just like there are laws that govern physics. These laws are in place and affect us on a daily basis whether we recognize them or not. The more we understand these laws, the safer we become and the greater the chance we have to achieve success. One of the laws of relationships is the law of action.

The law of action revolves around the principal that relationships are always in motion. We may describe a relationship we are in as stagnate, but the truth is that it is not standing perfectly still. It may be slowly moving into disaster, but it is moving.

Another example of the law of action working in our lives is the fact that we always act or react to the relationships around us. Sometimes we will act or react aggressively, either physically or verbally. Other times we may react passive aggressively. In fact, if someone lacks a reaction at all we will worry that something is wrong with them, and if that behavior continues we will probably get them evaluated for a mental disorder.

This law is motivated by us. The good news is that we have a say in how this law affects our lives. The bad news is that we are responsible for how this law affects our lives, whether we want to be or not! It is always motivated by something that we have the opportunity to be in control of: our desires, our goals, or our emotions.

Desires are things we want in our lives, but don’t have yet. Desires are a big motivator in most of our lives and will usually turn into one of two things: goals or emotions. We increase having our desires met by setting goals or having a plan.

It is important when setting a goal, that you are setting it for yourself and not for someone else. If your goal is for someone else to do something, you are already out of control of the situation. By keeping the goal you set in the forefront of our minds you increase your ability to deny an emotional response to a situation.

Let’s make this simple. Jimmy was arrested last month for assaulting a police officer. He is on probation, which means if he gets in trouble with the law again he will serve the rest of his probation time in jail. Jimmy, not a typical goal setting kind of guy, now has a goal: to stay out of jail!

Jimmy is at a bar when a man makes a move on his girlfriend. Jimmy’s typical response would be to grab the guy by the collar of his shirt and punch him in the face. Jimmy starts into his normal routine by grabbing the guy by the collar, but something happens. A little voice inside his head says, “If you do this you will probably have to spend the next six months in jail.”

At this point Jimmy has a choice to make, does he deny his urges and increase the chances of reaching his goal, or does he just give into emotion?

The principal at play here in the law of action is this: by setting a goal you increase the odds of success in your life, and take control back from your emotions. The more important the goal is to you, the greater the chance you have of denying your emotional impulse and taking a step toward success.

One way we keep our goals in mind is through positive self talk. In our example above, Jimmy was about to slam his fist into the face of the guy who hit on his girlfriend. As his fist is in the air Jimmy could say to himself, “This guy isn’t worth going to jail.”

Another way we can keep our goals in mind is by hanging around people who will encourage us. What if Jimmy’s girlfriend ran up to him and said, “He’s not worth it Jimmy! I don’t want you to go to jail!”

Again, Jimmy is in total control of his decisions. Maybe not his emotions, but at that moment he has to decide if he is going to allow his emotions to control him and the outcome, or is he going to take control over this decision. By repeating to himself what is important to him, and having his girlfriend do the same, he is increasing the odds that he will not give into emotion.

This is not an easy process as you will have to give up the habit of giving in to your emotions, which have probably been in control most of the time. But by having a clear goal, daily reminding yourself of those goals, and having others remind you of those goals you increase your odds of success in your life and in your relationships.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling

Christmas Conflict

2006-12-21T06:38:00.000-08:00

As Christmas approaches stress levels go up. The children’s stress level comes from the excitement of opening presents on Christmas day, and their parents are stressed from running from store to store to store in hopes of finding every item on their child’s wish list. (As the commercials tell us, “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like stuff!”)

Whether the stress is from positive sources or negative, they have a tendency to collide during the holidays. And then there is the dreaded day. It’s not that we don’t want to celebrate Christmas, we do! It’s figuring out where to celebrate it that becomes difficult.

Whose parent’s house do we go to this year? And how do we get all of the presents there? This may not be a big issue when you have one child, but the more arrows you add to your quiver, the bigger an issue it becomes.

Add to that your expectations of Christmas. Maybe you have this Christmas card image of what your holiday is going to be like. Unfortunately, the most well laid plans often don’t come together like we think they should. So, disappointment is added to our stress level.

Perhaps you don’t have in-laws, but “outlaws” instead. You don’t like them, they don’t like you, or both. There is another stressor that you can look forward to this holiday season.

My point is not to look like a scrooge here, but to be realistic. Hopefully you are not experiencing all of the stressors I mentioned, but you are probably facing some of them. And we need to realize that if we don’t handle our stress in appropriately, we often wind up frustrated, hurt, angry and disappointed during a season that is supposed to be about love, giving and joy.

Here are a few tips that may help ease your stress level during the Christmas season:

1. Take time for yourself- Whether it’s a bubble bath or a few hours out in the woods, taking time to do things that please you will help!

2. Take time for your marriage- Put all of the hustle and bustle aside and go out on a date. (Christmas shopping with the wife doesn’t count guys!)

3. Be flexible- Don’t demand it all be done the way your family has always done it; be willing to compromise.

4. Create new traditions- Creating new ones can be as special as keeping old ones!

5. Sing- It sounds silly, but when I feel a little “scrooge-ish” singing a fun Christmas carol can help put me back in the holiday spirit.

6. Count your blessings- Stop focusing on what you don’t have, and focus on what you do have!

7. Remember the reason for the season- I know it has become a cliché, but it is too important to forget! We are celebrating Jesus’ birth, a process of grace that ended in great sacrifice for you!

Have a Merry Christmas; or don’t! It’s your choice! You choose the attitude you want to have. I hope yours is a happy one!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Identifying With Your Father

2006-12-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

Being a father is one of the greatest privileges a man can have. Being the father of four I have found each child with similar needs and yet having unique ways in how they go about getting those needs met.

Jackson is now one year old, and his personality is starting to really come out. He is Mr. Gadget! Don’t leave your cell phone lying around or you might find a charge to China on your next phone bill!

Jackson also has a unique way of identifying with me. One way he does this is eating with me. There are times I come home late from counseling and I will be eating my supper in the kitchen alone. Jackson will come into the kitchen, climb up in my lap and eat with me.

He leans back onto my chest, and I’ll get a bite, and then he will. Back and forth we go until he is full or the food is gone. I have tried putting him in his high chair, but he like to sit with me and eat. It’s a great time of intimacy with him.

He also loves my keys. As I empty my pockets at night he will stand there reaching up to my pocket for my keys. I just thought it was the keys he loved until I made him a set and gave them to him one evening as he was reaching for mine. He immediately threw them on the floor and reached up for mine again.

I tried an experiment. I took the keys he had thrown down and hooked them to my belt loop. It took about two minutes, but he finally looked that those keys and wanted them. When I gave them to him that time he took them, and started pretending to open the bedroom door with them.

It wasn’t just keys he wanted; he wanted something of mine. Somewhere in his little mind was the idea that if it belonged to me it was very special to him. He longs to be with me and he wants the things that I have. He obeys my commands, because more than anything he wants to please me.

I began to think about my personal relationship with God. God is my heavenly father, and much like me with my children, he wants an intimate relationship with me, and He wants one with you too!

I have to admit that I am not following him around and seeking those intimate connections like Jackson is doing with me. And yet, every time I start seeking after him again he is right there, ready to spend time with me, to love on me, to encourage me.

In Jeremiah 29:13 God tells us, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” The Hebrew word for seek here means, “to search out, to seek, to strive after, or to beg.”

Just like little Jackson begs to get into my lap and share a meal with me, God wants us to seek after him. It is in our father’s arms that we will find the intimacy and peace we so desperately want. So, take the time; go, seek and you will find.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Relationship Busters

2006-12-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

There is not a relationship out there that hasn’t gone through difficult times. In fact, most couples can point to a time where they were worried that their relationship may not make it. During these difficult times we reach out for help, but where we reach out can determine the difference between actually finding help and damaging our relationship further.

The first place we typically reach out for help is our friends. These people care about us; they wouldn’t steer us in the wrong direction, right? The problem with going to our friends is that they are on our side. Oftentimes they simply tell us what we want to hear. The support they give us may make us feel better for the moment, but they are only looking out for us, not necessarily our relationship.

We also go to our family for advice. I don’t care how long you have been married and how much your parents like your spouse, blood is thicker than water! Even if your family member gives you good advice and helps you and your spouse stay together, you still have to eat Thanksgiving dinner together.

What I mean by this is simple. The more you talk negatively about your spouse to your family, the more difficult time your spouse is going to have getting along with your them. You may be able to quickly forgive your spouse for their hurtful comments, but your mother or father will remember it for a long time. By going to them for advice you are damaging their relationship with your spouse, which will affect you in the long run.

Another common place we get advice for our marriage is from a member of the opposite sex. Most of the time we find this person at work, and it is the most dangerous person to go to for advice. We often rationalize our behavior by saying that we are tying to find out information from our spouses perspective, but what is really going on is we are looking for acceptance and approval from a member of the opposite sex.

By doing this we are jeopardizing our marriages even further because the message we are sending this person is that we are unhappy in our marriage and that we are emotionally vulnerable. This person will often tell you what you want to hear and you will find yourself wondering why your spouse can’t be as understanding as this person.

This sort of comparison is unfair and dangerous. It is unfair because typically you are comparing years of hurt and baggage to just a few weeks of infatuation. It is dangerous because the nature of infatuation is superficial emotions. This “emotional quickie” will always win when compared to the hurtful issues in your marriage. Once this occurs, you are one step closer to having a sexual affair.

If you are experiencing frustration in your marriage use your friends and family for support and encouragement, but limit the negative details. Seek help from a trained professional. Counselors are not only trained to help people through difficult times, they are not biased. They will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can find archived columns on the internet at www.familyworks.blogspot.com

Is Your Home A Haven?

2006-11-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

Men, have you ever come home late after a long day of work and open the garage door only to discover seventeen bicycles, four wagons, and a gazillion basketballs in the spot where you usually park your car? Then you walk into the house, take off your shoes so you won’t wake anyone, only to proceed to step on every lego toy every made this side of the Mississippi?

Then have your wife awakened by your screams and rushes to your aid wielding a baseball bat, because from the sounds you were making she assumed you were being attacked by three very large burglars. And let’s just be honest here, her giggling doesn’t help your attitude any as you begin to remove legos which seem to have become permanently embedded in the bottom of your foot!

At this point your attitude is shot! You begin to scream and holler about needing a place of rest and comfort to come home to. You work all day long and sometimes into the night, and this is what you have to contend with! Even the next day your attitude is sour and the kids keep their distance, not wanting to become your next victim.

It doesn’t take too many nights like this for your home to cease to become a haven to your children. And maybe it’s not because of angry outbursts; perhaps they feel like they don’t measure up: they don’t make the grade or fit the mold that you are trying to press them into. Under the pressure they shoot out of your house and into someone else’s where they feel accepted, safe, and secure.

It is not unusual for teenage children to find refuge in someone else’s house. But that is not what we envisioned when we were rocking them so many years ago. Not one of us thought, “I can’t wait until they hate me so much that they spend as little time in my house as possible!” And yet, that happens- a lot!

Although there are no guarantees, there are actions we can take to increase the odds of our home becoming the haven our children desperately want and need. The first one is to listen without judgment. When we use reflective listening and repeat our children’s ideas back to them we let them know we understand them.

It is important that you don’t immediately tell them they are wrong; you want to avoid disrespecting them. You can discuss ideas with them and disagree respectfully. Your child is looking more for your approval than your agreement! Show respect for them as people!

Something else we can do is to make time for the family. Game nights are especially good. However when you plan them, expect resistance, then it won’t tick you off so much when it occurs! The other night we were playing a game and John Mark kept saying, “Can I leave now?” at every opportunity. Of course I told him he couldn’t. He would look frustrated and say, Why?” Being prepared for this I jokingly responded, “Because one of the privileges of being a parent is torturing your children.” And then I winked at him. Within a few minutes he was into the next game we were playing and we had a great time.

As parents we need to stop reacting to our children and become proactive in building a haven for our children. Take a close look at what is not working in your home and come up with some positive actions you can take, and commit to continue to do them even if you don’t immediately get the reaction that you want.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

The Holidays Commeth!

2006-11-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

Even though it seems that everyone loves the holidays, this is not necessarily the case. There are many out there who dread the holidays approaching. For them they are not a reminder of happy times, but of sadness. Instead of making plans with loved ones, they look forward to sitting alone on those special days remembering what once was, or what could have been.

For these individuals trite sayings won’t fix their emotional pain. “Getting over it” isn’t an option, and “letting go, letting God” seems almost impossible as the hours of loneliness tick by.

What can cause this kind of depression during the holidays in otherwise normally functioning people?

A recent death. Do you know someone who has lost someone this past year or in the past several years? If you do, then you need to pay close attention to them during the holidays. Even though they may have years of wonderful memories to dwell upon, knowing that special person isn’t going to be cutting the turkey or opening presents this year is enough to send them into a deep depression.

A recent divorce. Dealing with a divorce can sometimes be as bad as dealing with the death of a loved one. Instead of there being a feeling of finality, there is a constant reminder of the loss when they see their former spouse with someone else. They may have to share the children during the holidays, increasing their sense of loss.

Bad memories. Some people haven’t had such joyous holidays in the past. Maybe a certain family member who they only saw on holidays molested them. Perhaps their parents showed favoritism to another sibling, or there was always discord or fighting during the holidays.

If you know someone who has a difficult time with the holidays or someone who has suffered a recent divorce or death of a loved one, make sure they have a place to go this year. Invite them to join your family for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Have a small gift for them under your tree, and expect nothing in return.

There are two main actions that help people get through grief: one is time and the other is talking. We can’t control time, but we can be a listening ear for them to talk. Allowing them to tell stories of the past, good times or bad, help them to work through their grief.

Helping people to build new memories and being willing to listen to their pain are two of the greatest gifts we can give someone during the holidays. Who knows, your actions this year may completely change someone’s perspective of the holidays.

Johnny is a Christian counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Making Time

2006-11-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have been all over the country this week! In the past seven days I have been in Atlanta, Georgia, Bristol, Virginia, Houston, Texas and right now I am sitting in Phoenix, Arizona. Needless to say, I am tired!

As I stood in line for one of my flights I pulled my MP3 player out of my carry on bag ready to plug in and disappear from the world. While standing there I wound up chatting with a guy (I’ll call him Fred) and then sat next to him on the plane.

As we are chatting the conversation turned to our families and he shared with me some of the struggles he was having in his marriage. They were not out of the ordinary; I have spoken with hundreds of couples over the years who have dealt with similar issues, but to him they weren’t ordinary- they were real problems!

I hate to admit it, but my selfish side started to kick in. I had anticipated relaxing and listening to my music during the flight. I stared out the window for a moment as the conversation lulled, tempted not to say another word.

My internal battle didn’t last but a minute when I turned back to Fred and said, “So what do you think the answer is?” That is all it took to start the conversation up again. Over the next hour we talked and I shared with him some of the tough times my wife and I had been through over the years and the paths we’d taken to find positive solutions to those problems.

As we were getting off the plane I noticed a woman in front of us standing up holding a copy of the book “The Purpose Driven Life.” I asked, “Do you like the book?” She told me that she had just started it. I told her how much I enjoyed it thinking the conversation would end there. Suddenly she turned and said, “I didn’t mean to be eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help but overhear some of your conversation. Do you know any Christian Counselors in Phoenix?”

I told her about the website, http://www.findchristiancounselor.com/, gave her my card and told her, “If you can’t find one there, call me and I will do what I can through my resources to help you find one.”

As I exited the plane I thought to myself how much hinged on that one decision I had made while looking out the window of the airplane. To be honest I will probably never know what impact I had on Fred or that woman who was sitting in front of us. If nothing else, I did what I could to encourage them to stay on the right path.

It made me wonder how many times I had missed opportunities to reach out to someone because I was too busy, too tired, or just wanted to do what I wanted to do. All it took for me to encourage Fred was to make time to listen.

Galatians 6:10 says, “Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” You don’t have to have a Bible scholar or a degreed counselor to do this; you just have to have the willingness to make time.

The next time someone reaches out to you, make time to listen to them. You will be amazed at how much it will mean to them and how good it will make you feel!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Guidelines for Effective Discipline (Part 2)

2006-11-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

When my column on Guidelines for Effective Discipline ran in the newspaper a few weeks ago, part of the column was inadvertently deleted during the editing process. In the last part of the column there was supposed a list of effective discipline techniques. Instead what it read was: “This is effective discipline for teenagers: Timeout.”

This is not true, and I felt it was necessary to share with you the techniques I believe are helpful for you to become a more effective disciplinarian. What you should have read was:

Effective discipline separates the child from their behavior. Instead of attacking the child you are attacking the behavior.

1. Setting Clear Boundaries. Let your child know exactly what you expect and what sort of discipline they will face if they chose to disobey.
2. The One Warning System. You can warn your children when they are getting close to crossing a boundary you have set, but don’t warn them more than once or it will be seen as a threat.

3. Consistency. For boundaries to remain clear you must discipline your child every time he crosses it. The moment you fail to be consistent they will start to see the boundary as only a threat.

4. Confronting Behaviors. If your child is acting like a spoiled brat you can say, “You are acting like a spoiled child, and that is not who you are. I expect this to stop and if it doesn’t (insert discipline here) will happen.” Don’t forget to follow through.

5. Grace. Grace is giving something to a child that they don’t deserve. If they are grounded for a week and they have made the necessary attitude adjustments, it is ok to lessen the discipline. It teaches them what God has done for all of us. But use this sparingly or you will be seen as a pushover.

6. Spanking. Corporal punishment can be very effective. I encourage parents to use their hands so they can feel how hard they are hitting. This should wane by the teen years as it can cause older children to rise up and hit back, and should never be done while angry.

7. Grounding. Some children are very social creatures. Keeping them from their friends can be a very effective tool in molding their attitudes and actions. (This is very effective with teenagers.)

8. Time Out. Separating your child from the situation can give him and you the time needed for tempers to calm down.

9. Sitting in the Corner. A variation of time out that can be effective for children who have a tendency to wander around a room and play when they are supposed to be in time out. Expect to have to sit there and monitor them, or check on them every few minutes.

It is very important that the discipline be age appropriate. What worked when you child was eight probably won’t work when they are thirteen. It is also important to avoid humiliating your child. Discipline is about giving negative consequences for wrong behavior. It should be well thought through, not done in anger, and never used as a way to “get even.” When clear boundaries are set and age appropriate discipline is dispensed consistently, I believe you will begin to see a change in your child’s behavior for the better.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

What Is The Opposite Of Love?

2006-10-31T15:08:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a woman in my office whose marriage was on the rocks. She had been so hurt by her husband that she was ready to call an attorney and file for divorce. I will never forget her words to me, because I have heard them over and over from individuals in similar situations. She looked up at me through her tears and said, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. It hurts too much; I just don’t love him anymore.”

After listening to her for awhile I asked her a simple question, “What is the opposite of love?” She said, “That’s easy, it’s hate.” I had to disagree with her, and I want to share with you what I shared with her.

Most people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It makes sense, and at face value it seems to be the opposite side of that coin. But to hate someone, to be hurt, or to be disappointed requires some level of love, whether it be romantic, friendship, or just a love for your fellow man.

You may be giving me the same look that most people give me when I say this, but it’s true. Our hurt comes from the fact that we have given ourselves to someone and they have not reciprocated in the way we thought they should. If disregard long enough or if they do something very mean to us, then we turn that emotion of love into hatred. But to hate still requires a level of desire for the relationship.

The opposite of love is not hate, its apathy. Apathy is the absence of emotion. It is the absence of caring and the absence of an emotional reaction.

Telling someone that they still have feelings for someone who they hate may seem counter productive, but I have found it to be invaluable in helping them to heal. It may be that realizing they have feelings for them can be the first step in healing the relationship. It could be that relationship is over, but knowing that their hatred is keeping them attached to that individual is the first step in letting go, because when we hate someone we are allowing them to control us emotionally.

Relationships are in danger when people are hurt and angry with each other, but relationships are withering when there is no more emotion left and apathy sets in. I am not talking about the passive aggressive withdrawing of emotion, but true apathy. But neither situation is hopeless!

If you are hurting or you find yourself bitter against your spouse or someone you used to care about, find a counselor to help you work through the emotional turmoil. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out the way you want it to, knowing that you have done all you can and being able to release that person through forgiveness in reality will release you from their emotional hold on you.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach Johnny at (770) 456-5547

Guidelines for Effective Discipline

2006-10-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, the first thing I want to make very clear here is that I am not the perfect disciplinarian! My wife and I flounder around like everyone else trying to find out what works best for our children. I can’t count the number of times I have wished that my children came with an instruction manual! And each of the little stinkers is different; what works with one may not work effectively with another. (I am sure this is God’s sense of humor at work.)

Maybe the best place to start talking about effective discipline is to look at a few ineffective forms of discipline. Ineffective discipline is usually focused on the child personally and not the behavior. It can leave the child hurting emotionally and sometimes physically.

1. Yelling. I can speak from personal experience here. When you yell at someone, it doesn’t get your point across any clearer. In fact, it usually causes the listener to shut you out.

2. Sarcasm. Sarcasm is belittling and usually teaches your children how to be sarcastic back to you instead of remembering the point you were trying to make.

3. Being Mean. If you have more than one child and you ground one of them, don’t point out things they can’t do now that their grounded. It is hurtful and causes them to resent you.

4. Spanking in Anger. If you are angry it is usually due to the fact that your focus is not on disciplining bad behavior, but discipline only occurs when you are fed up. If you use corporal punishment when you are angry you greatly increase the risk of physically abusing your child.

5. Threats. A threat is like a warning (see below) without any follow up. The threat of discipline without consistent follow through makes you unbelievable.

6. Name Calling. Yes, they may be acting like brats but calling them brats to their face is emotionally damaging. You are their first source of identity. They will believe what you tell them!

Effective discipline separates the child from their behavior. Instead of attacking the child you are attacking the behavior.

1. Setting Clear Boundaries. Let your child know exactly what you expect and what sort of discipline they will face if they chose to disobey.

2. The One Warning System. You can warn your children when they are getting close to crossing a boundary you have set, but don’t warn them more than once or it will be seen as a threat.

3. Consistency. For boundaries to remain clear you must discipline your child every time he crosses it. The moment you fail to be consistent they will start to see the boundary as only a threat.

4. Confronting Behaviors. If your child is acting like a spoiled brat you can say, “You are acting like a spoiled child, and that is not who you are. I expect this to stop and if it doesn’t (insert discipline here) will happen.” Don’t forget to follow through.

5. Grace. Grace is giving something to a child that they don’t deserve. If they are grounded for a week and they have made the necessary attitude adjustments, it is ok to lessen the discipline. It teaches them what God has done for all of us. But use this sparingly or you will be seen as a pushover.

6. Spanking. Corporal punishment can be very effective. I encourage parents to use their hands so they can feel how hard they are hitting. This should wane by the teen years as it can cause older children to rise up and hit back, and should never be done while angry.

7. Grounding. Some children are very social creatures. Keeping them from their friends can be a very effective tool in molding their attitudes and actions. This is very effective with teenagers.
Time Out. Separating your child from the situation can give him and you the time needed for tempers to calm down.

8. Sitting in the Corner. A variation of time out that can be effective for children who have a tendency to wander around a room and play when they are supposed to be in time out. Expect to have to sit there and monitor them, or check on them every few minutes.

Discipline is most effective when done in a calm manner, separating the child’s behavior from who they are personally. Make sure the discipline is age appropriate. Talking to your child before the discipline about why the discipline is about to occur helps them to understand the boundary more clearly. If they argue, tell them that you are not asking them to agree, but to understand the meaning of the words you are speaking. You can follow the discipline with them telling you why they were disciplined and then telling you what you expect in the future.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

The Ability To Keep Going

2006-10-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

I was watching my oldest son, John Mark, play tennis a few weeks ago in Hoover, Alabama. This is his first year playing, but I have to admit I am impressed with how quickly he has picked up the sport. This was the first match I had been able to attend and I was sitting on the far side of the court, quietly; not wanting to distract him or make him nervous.

This tennis match was played until one of them won eight games. Even though John Mark is a good tennis player he was playing a more experienced person, and it didn’t take long before John Mark was down seven to two. I prepared to watch the final game of the match, and was practicing my encouragement speech in my head as I yelled, “You’re doing great!”

Something happened in John Mark; he became more focused. His shots were more purposeful and his form improved as he began to remember the fundamentals of the game. Before I knew it the score was seven to four, and eventually seven to seven.

The last game of the match came down to one point. It was forty all and John Mark won the final point! He was so excited! I congratulated him as he walked over to me with a huge grin on his face, and told him that he could pick the restaurant where we would eat.

As we walked to the car I told him that even if he had lost, he would still have been able to pick the restaurant because I was so proud of his determination; he had refused to give up. His grin became even bigger as he piled into the van.

So often we view God as someone who is always pushing us to be perfect, and see him shaking his head in disappointment every time we make a mistake or lose a battle.

God is not a sadistic perfectionist just waiting for the moment when we mess up so he can come down on us. He is not so performance oriented that he withdraws his love from us when we fail.

Unfortunately, many of us do view God this way, and when we do we have a tendency to throw up our hands in defeat and say, “What’s the use?” Sometimes we use our inability to perform perfectly as an excuse to quit or to keep us from even trying.

Knowing who we are in Christ, and learning to understand the depths of the grace he provides for us is the foundation of our ability to endure hardship and not give up. Knowing that all God wants from us is our best and not the perfect performance takes the stress of possible failure off our backs. We are God’s children, not his adults!

After the match John Mark told me, “I wasn’t going to lose the first match my Dad was able to come watch.” I smiled and asked, “You do realize that I am more proud of your effort than your win, don’t you?” He smiled and said, “Yes.”

If I can give that kind of love and support to my son, how much more does God have for me and you? There is no comparison!

Whatever you are struggling with today, a job issue, a relationship issue, anxiety, whatever it is, simply rest in the knowledge that God’s love for you will not change regardless of the outcome. Don’t stop moving forward! Keep on going; God can use your worst mistakes for his good, and his grace covers up all sin, not just some.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

Doing All You Can

2006-10-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

All relationships are difficult; marriages, friendships, dating and working relationships. I don’t care how great yours is going right now, at some point it will become difficult. These rough patches are usually due to the fact that we are not getting what we want out of the relationship; our needs are not being met.

One thing that really stinks about being in a relationship is the lack of control. There is absolutely no way to make someone do what you want them to do, at least not long term. That doesn’t stop people from trying though. We demand, throw fits, manipulate, or use passive aggressive behavior; all of these are ploys we use to try to control others.

The stress of trying to control someone else is exhausting. Constantly worrying that they are doing what they are supposed to do, the arguing and fighting, and wondering if they are really sincere can wear you down. (A little side note here: if you have to manipulate someone to get them to do what you want they are not sincere, they are just avoiding your emotional punishment!)

My daughter started private school this year and has had her first experience with mean girls. The short version is that she got her feelings hurt by a girl and was mean back to her. The result was the other girl getting her friends to be mean to my daughter. Instead of marching down to the school and demanding things be made right, Alisa and I went another route and decided to teach Ann Marie about doing what was right even though she didn’t get positive results from the people around her.

It was a rough start, but the results have been wonderful. Ann Marie has realized several things through this experience: popularity is fleeting, retaliation can backfire on you, and you can’t change others. However, the most important lesson she learned was: by controlling your reactions to others the situation may not change, but how you feel about yourself does.

Instead of being nice to get the other girls to be nice back, she is being nice because God’s word says to do good things to those who do bad things to you. Instead of allowing others actions to dictate how she feels about herself, she is learning to base her self esteem on her relationship with God and how well she reacts to the situation.

When we base how we treat others on their response to us our emotions are in turmoil and others are actually in control of us. But when we realize who we are in Christ, realizing we are loved unconditionally, then share that love with others regardless of how they react, our perspective changes.

Those girls may never decide to be Ann Marie’s friends, but at the end of the day my daughter can know that she has done all she can. She is not responsible for their behavior, only hers.

If there is a relationship in your life that is strained, find truths in God’s word to apply to that situation. Swallow your pride and make adjustments in your reactions so that at the end of the day you can say, “I have truly done all that I can.” You will be surprised at the difference it will make.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

Children Crave Discipline

2006-10-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I have been watching MTV. I know what you are thinking, “What, you?” It’s not what you think though. I heard about this show they were airing on the Hoover High School football team called “Two-A-Days.” As I was channel surfing the other night (one of my favorite hobbies) I ran across it and started watching.

The coach, Rush Propst, is strict on his players. He expects nothing less than perfection from them. When they don’t give 110% he can really go off on them! But, he puts together winning teams and has had over 40 players sign college scholarships. He is a man who gets the job done!

The episode I saw showed them losing to Tuscaloosa, and the coach really gave it to them after the game and then left them with, “I’ll see you Sunday!” I can imagine the dread those boys felt throughout the weekend anticipating the tough workout they were fixing to endure.

On one of the closing clips they showed Coach Propst talking to the camera. I don’t know what they had asked him, but his response was, “Kids crave discipline, they crave it!”

He is absolutely right!

I would be willing to bet money that Coach Propst is in their mind on and off the field. Knowing what he expects, and knowing that he will follow through with every threat he utters makes them think. When tempted to do something they shouldn’t do the thought, “What is coach going to do if he finds out” probably crosses their minds.

They may not like their coach all the time, they may even talk about him in negative ways off the field, but the discipline that he dishes out causes them to walk a straighter line than they would if the didn’t follow through with his threats. He has earned their respect.

There is something about discipline, knowing what will happen every time they cross a boundary that makes a child feel safe.

A child who knows that he will catch more grief when he gets home for doing something wrong than he will from his friends for refusing to do it, gives that child a sense of security. It takes the pressure of making difficult decisions off of him.

In Psalm 111:10 the Bible says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” The word fear in Hebrew means “moral reverence, dread, or exceedingly fearful.” Its knowing what God can do that can keep us following his path. God loves us enough to discipline us when we disobey.

Our children need discipline; they need to have a fear of what will happen to them if they cross a boundary that we set. Not a fear of abuse, but that we will follow through with what we say, every time! By instilling discipline in our children we not only reduce the stress of making difficult decisions, we increase the odds of them having a successful life.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

What Did You Expect?

2006-10-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Alisa and I are in a marriage enrichment class at church. I really enjoy these types of classes because they encourage you to go deeper personally and in your relationship with your spouse. During the first class that Alisa and I attended the topic of expectations came up.

Every person enters into a relationship with expectations. Some people say that they don’t, but there is no way not to! They may not be written out on long lists or etched into stones, but they are still there. And I can prove it!

The easiest way to do this is to find out what upsets them. What is it that you do that makes them disappointed, angry or hurt. When you discover this you will find an expectation that hasn’t been met! You can’t be disappointed unless you expected something different first.

We usually obtain our expectations from marriage from our parents. Whatever we saw our parents do became our norm. If our parents yelled at each other when they were angry, then that is normal to us, and when we get mad at our spouse we will probably yell too!

This works for expectations as well. For example, if your parents never argued in front of you, you may have grown up thinking that couples who love each other don’t fight. And then you get marry a man whose parents yelled and screamed at each other. Your expectation just got crushed!

For expectations to work, they must pass two qualifications: They have to be reasonable and realistic.

By reasonable I mean that most people in your situation would expect the same thing. For example, you may expect your husband to make a million dollars a year. That could be a reasonable expectation if your father and your friend’s fathers were all billionaires.

By realistic I mean that based on your personal experience with your spouse you can expect a certain action or reaction from them. For example, if you chose to marry a great guy who loves and adores you, but never made it out of the 8th grade, your expectation of him making a million dollars a year is not very realistic, no matter how reasonable it seemed!

If your expectation of your spouse fails one of these tests you have a problem that you have to deal with, and you may need to change that expectation.

By being willing to examine our expectations to see if they are reasonable and realistic we reduce our chances of making demands that frustrate our spouses and increase our chances of having a successful marriage.

Johnny Walker is a Christian counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. YOu can reach him at 770-456-5547

Becoming Organized

2006-09-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

Growing up with a father who was a time management consultant, I learned to hate the word organization at an early age. It could have been the fact that my father is naturally the most organized person in the world and my personality is the exact opposite in that area.

My father can put his hands on the warranty information on an appliance that he purchased back in 1973 in less than thirty seconds. I, on the other hand, can not locate the warranty information thirty seconds after I purchase the appliance.

I have to admit, my father did the best he could with what he had to work with. While in college he sent me through time management training, bought me a time systems, and tried to encourage me to become more organized.

I finally saw the need for organization when I began to sell advertising for a local newspaper while still in college. After misplacing a phone number or two, I suddenly remembered Dad’s system. I immediately dusted off my time system and put all those years of training to use.

I amazed even myself with my abilities to keep up with contacts, phone conversations and price quotes. I could put my hands on a client’s phone number so fast that the head of the sales department started calling me “fingers.”

You may not need to be as organized as I was working for the newspaper, but we all need a certain level of organization. The absence of organization is chaos.

Every family needs order, especially the children. Knowing what to expect and when to expect it creates a certain amount of security for a child. It also creates an environment where the parents don’t have to re-create the rules everyday.

For example, if dinner is always at 6:00 and the children are expected to be in the house thirty minutes before dinner, then they learn to show up at the house at 5:30. If dinner is anywhere between 5:00-7:00, parents will have to search for their children every night to make sure they are home in time for supper.

The same thing goes for bedtime. If you are tired of arguing with your children every time you tell them to go to bed, start a routine and stick with it. If you remain consistent they will eventually come to expect to start getting ready for bed at a certain time.

Having your family on a routine can create a more peaceful environment by increasing the children’s awareness of their parent’s expectations and reducing parental frustration.

Many people feel that if they become more organized they are giving up control of their lives, that the schedule has become their master. The truth is that organization can help you regain control of your life. You will have more time to do the things you want to do and spend less time arguing with your children at the same time!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

The What and Why of it All

2006-09-12T11:41:00.000-07:00

As a police officer and as a counselor I am constantly asking people questions, attempting to find out information. As I was sitting and reflecting the other night on the two professions that I am involved in, I began to realize that even though they overlap quite well, I have a tendency to ask different questions in each one.

In law enforcement we are predominantly interested in “what happened.” It is a basic information gathering question. Factual and keeps things on the surface. The famous line from the television series Dragnet was, “The facts, ma’am, just the facts!” Joe Friday didn’t care why something happened, for him to take action it only mattered what happened. It’s what a police officer needs to know in order to do his job.

The only problem with this line of questioning is that it seldom solves the problem long term. Ask any police officer and he will tell you that he has gone to the same house over and over, and has even arrested the same people over and over. They know what they’ve done and they deal with it, but because the root of the problem is not dealt with, the problem continues to resurface.

As a counselor I may start off with the “what” type of questions, but if I am going to be able to help someone make the necessary changes in their lives I will eventually have to ask “why.”

Why is important because it digs deep and gets to the root of the problem. As I continued to reflect on this I began to think about relationships. People typically don’t want to go deep. Oh, they say that they do, but when they begin to old pains begin to resurface and they run back to the surface again in order to keep them buried.

Back on the surface they stick with the “what” questions in order to temporarily deal with the issues. And just like to police officer they wind up fixing the problem short term. Their fear of letting someone in and revealing their old hurts is too much, so they go for the quick fixes. They ask “What do I need to do in order to be happy right now?” instead of, “Why do I constantly do that?”

When we ask ourselves “why,” we are at the beginning of true self-discovery. It is only then we are able to reveal the hurts of our past, confront the lies we began to believe about ourselves, and replace those lies with the truth in order to move forward.

If you are having difficulties in your interpersonal relationships review how you have been handling those problems. Have you been focused on what to do to fix it short term, or are you looking at the patterns of your behavior and asking yourself why you keep doing that?

The questions you are willing to ask yourself will determine the long term success of your relationships.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

God Blaming

2006-09-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

I can remember back in my college days at Samford University listening to all the different religion majors talking about their opportunities for ministry. It never ceased to amaze me how they could hear from God concerning their decisions to change from the youth minister of one church to become the youth minister of another.

They would “feel the call” to become the youth minister of one church; it would be the “perfect place,” or so it would seem! After six months the honeymoon period would be over and suddenly they weren’t the new minister everyone loved, they were the youth minister everyone had now gotten used to. Basically that means they became a target of blame for some of the churches problems instead of being the answer to them.

And suddenly they would “feel the call” to minister somewhere else!

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with ministers finding better opportunities, more money, churches that share their vision better, or an admission that the fit between minister and church wasn’t what everyone thought it would be. What gets me is who they blame it on, God!

And ministers are not the only ones to do this. The rest of us Christians do plenty of God blaming ourselves!

The reason this gets to me so much is because a lot of times we use religious jargon to rationalize our emotional desire to do something. It’s as if every good idea we have must come from God! Therefore, if I feel like becoming a Sunday school teacher, deacon, minister, etc., then it must be God telling me to do it!

Call me crazy, but from what I have read in scripture it appears to me that when God did speak to people and direct them to do something, it was seldom something that they already felt like doing. In fact, a lot of times it was the opposite.

Moses didn’t want to be the deliverer of Israel. Jonah didn’t want to evangelize Ninevah. If they used the God blaming patterns we see used so often today to make their decisions Moses would have remained a shepherd, and Jonah would have had a thriving business in Tarsus.

So, why do we do this? I personally believe that it is a religious way out of being responsible for the decisions we make. Think about this, if I do something because God told me to and it fails, then whose fault is it? It’s Gods! We no longer have to admit that we make bad decisions, unless of course they involve sin; all of those kinds of choices still belong to us.

What we fail to realize is that we have great freedom in Christ, and it is ok to fail! Christianity isn’t about avoiding failure; it is more about how we handle it. When you read the parable of the talents you don’t see the two successful men say, “Well, you told me to open a fish market, so I did and look what happened!” The Master gave them the money to invest the best they could, and they did. It was the God blamer that lost favor with his Master. He rationalized his inaction and blamed it on his fear of what his Master would do if he tried and failed.

There are times when God speaks to our hearts, but more often than not daily decisions must be made based on wisdom, the ability to apply truth to our daily lives, not direct intervention from God himself.

So, get out there and risk more. Get in God’s word and learn how to apply it to the situations around you. It’s ok if you aren’t a huge success, and it’s ok if you are. God loves you either way!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Rationalizations

2006-08-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

Nothing can light my fuse faster than for someone to stand there and rationalize their behavior to me. It is one of my major pet peeves, and yet I find myself doing the same thing from time to time.

Dictionary.com defines rationalization this way, “to invent plausible explanations for acts, opinions, etc., that are actually based on other causes.”

In other words we are attempting to avoid admitting what we did, or more importantly why we did it. Because if we actually admitted this we would have to (and I shudder at the thought) change!

I remember being in my early twenties at the beginning of my career in law enforcement standing in my Sergeant’s office as he told me how he wanted me to do something differently. I can’t recall the topic, but I do remember saying something along the lines of, “Yes sir. The reason I did that was…”

I didn’t get to finish my sentence, because he slammed his fist on the desk and said, “Dang it Johnny! You always have an excuse for everything!”

That hit me hard. You see, my intention was to do exactly as he told me to and change my behavior, but I wanted him to know that I didn’t do it the wrong way intentionally. He didn’t hear that; all he heard was me saying, “I was right to do it that way!” It wasn’t the message I was trying to send, but it sure was the one he was receiving!

It was then I learned if someone in authority wants a reason why I did something they will ask, otherwise I need to acknowledge what they are saying make the necessary changes. (A little side note, learning something and having it perfected in practice are two very different things!)

The problem with rationalization is that it flies into the face of right and wrong. We will spend hours pretending that we aren’t wrong and coming up with all sorts of rationalizations that prove our point. We will even go as far as to find other people who agree with us; all the time knowing, deep down inside, that we are wrong.

Our rationalizations can also hurt the people we love. If my wife said to me, “When you raise your voice in an argument I feel belittled,” and I respond, “Well, it’s the only way you will listen!” I am avoiding the issue by rationalizing. I may even go into a history lesson proving, based on the past, that it is necessary to raise my voice. And all I have done by defending myself is to hurt her all over again.

When we find ourselves rationalizing our behavior it needs to be a red flag, a warning for us to take a deep look at ourselves and see if there is something we are doing that needs to be changed. You could probably find a hundred reasons why you don’t need to do that, but then you would just be rationalizing!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

Why Bad Things Happen

2006-08-31T13:07:00.000-07:00

The emotional scars our pasts leave us with are oftentimes difficult to overcome. Many hurting people turn to the church for help, searching for answers to questions that haunt them. “Why did my child have to die?” “Why was I raped?” “Why do I feel so alone?”

These questions don’t have simple answers, and yet well meaning Christians often try to help by offering one: “It was God’s will.” “The Lord knows what you are going through.” “God is in control.” And my personal favorite, “Everything happens for a reason.”

Unfortunately, these types of “kind words” often leave more questions than answers. Can you imagine your child being murdered and have it explained to you that “God is in control,” and “everything happens for a reason?”

What kind of God would want a child to be harmed? What kind of God would “allow” someone to be raped? Suddenly a loving God can appear cruel and distant.

I believe that God does know what we are going through. I also believe that “all things work together for the good” for those who are following our Lord. But this doesn’t mean that God wants bad things to happen.

The answer to these questions lay with our enemy, Satan, and his demons. Bad things happen because sin is in the world. God created a perfect place for us to live, the Garden of Eden, and gave us freedom to choose. In the midst of perfection we unbelievably chose sin, and through our choice brought evil into the world. We have made the same choice everyday since.

Bad things happen because evil rules this world. Jesus called Satan “the prince of this world.” God gave it to us, and through our choices we gave it over to the enemy.

This is so important because we can’t fight the enemy if we don’t first identify him. When people suffer, it may not be because of their specific sin, but it is because mankind’s sin gave rule of this world over to Satan.

All those things we tell hurting people are true, but if they don’t understand who the author of the problem is, then they will turn around and blame God.

It is also important for us to explain that one day God will remove evil from this place, but until then he offers us a way to make it through the pain and suffering. He offers us peace in the midst of the storms, not the promise to remove all the storms from our lives.

I can’t count the number of people who have come into my counseling office who have “tried the religious route,” but it didn’t work. They tried masking their pain with good works; throwing themselves into the work of the church believing that somehow, someway, it would ease the pain. They were taught to bury their problems instead of being taught how to deal with them.

The church is ill prepared to deal with the emotional issues that face society today. There are more rapes, homicides, assaults, and divorces than ever before, but we have not increased our abilities to deal with the emotional fallout that inevitably follows.

What we need to do goes deeper than the typical Sunday school class takes us. We need to learn more than just information about God’s word; we need to learn how to apply it to modern day problems.

Instead of requiring people to come to us and then trying to make them fit our molds, we need to be preparing to go out into society with real solutions to real problems!

We need to train our people with basic counseling techniques to meet basic emotional issues, and we need to train them to refer the larger crises to trained professionals. We need to have trained counseling professional on staff, because every church has dysfunctional marriages and families as members.

We need to offer godly financial counsel to combat the ever increasing debt that our people are enslaving themselves to. We need to offer help to widows by meeting basic needs such as cutting grass, changing the oil in their vehicles, and changing hard to reach light bulbs on a regular basis.

We are great sprinters of the faith! We think of these things on occasion and help out for a weekend or on a mission trip, but we are failing to meet these needs long term. We are not training marathon Christians! We run the race one Sunday at a time, one Bible study at a time, one mission trip at a time, instead of running it on a daily basis!

We hear about hurting people, or see a need and offer to pray for them, but we fail to act, and oftentimes we even fail to pray for them.

Ministering to hurting people takes discipleship, prayer, and time. We have to be willing to take the time to minister instead of offering pat answers and quick fixes to them so we can get back to what we want to be doing.

We need to train our people to become true disciples, true ministers. That’s what Jesus did, and that is what we are required to do!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Being Remembered or Making a Difference

2006-08-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

I think a lot of people want to be remembered. In high school I was a pole-vaulter. I can remember looking at the school records for all the track events on display over the coach’s door near the weight room and thinking, “I want my name to be up there.”

I spent a lot time and energy practicing to make that happen, only to have someone else beat my record the next year. I can still remember my disappointment when I realized my name didn’t last.

As I walked the halls of my old high school that day I came to the realization that it was no longer my high school; it belonged to the teenagers who were already there. I still knew quite a few of the students there, but it wouldn’t be long before no one would know who I was or that I even attended the school at all.

The desire to be remembered can be a strong one. When I was at my twentieth reunion I saw a guy named Brian who I had a few classes with. I remembered his surprise when I was able to remember the musical instrument he played in high school. When someone remembers us it makes us feel important.

The problem is when we make being remembered our goal we place our feelings of importance in the hands of others. When we do this it doesn’t matter how good a job we did if someone doesn’t remember, suddenly we are not important. Our self esteem is suddenly at the mercy of others.

On the other hand, if we change our motivation to making a difference the outcome changes dramatically.

By focusing on making a difference in the lives of others we focus on meetings someone’s needs. Being remembered is no longer important, only that we make a positive difference.

That is what the Christian walk is all about, meeting the needs of others. James 2:16 says “If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? “

As we grow as a Christian we are supposed to be denying ourselves more and allowing God to replace our self centered desires with the desire to further His kingdom. When our focus is on being remembered we are focused on ourselves. When our focus becomes making a difference we begin to open ourselves for God to change us and to make His cause our cause.

What is your motivation? Are you more focused on being remembered or on making a difference? The answer to that question can make all the difference!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

Teens and Stress

2006-07-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

Most parents reading the title of this column would simply say “I agree” and move on, because having a teenager does cause a parents stress level to increase. There is more to worry about, more car insurance to buy, and more private investigators to hire. But what about the stress that teenagers are going through; and what are parents doing to reduce it, or worse yet, to cause it?

“You are accusing us of causing our teenagers to stress,” You ask? In a nutshell, yes! A 2000 survey done by Teen Magazine showed that there is a direct link between a teenager’s stress and their relationship with parents.

According to the survey teenagers reported that having a close relationship with their parents reduced their stress. Imagine that! It wasn’t getting everything they wanted from the store, but a close relationship with their parents that reduced stress. (It must have been a trick survey!)

Nevertheless, the survey showed that girls with a close relationship with their parents stressed less about guys and dating as well as less stress about having the “right look.”

One of the major causes of stress in a teenager is trying to deal with difficult situations without having sufficient resources to help guide them, and there is no better guide for a teenager than their parents.

I realize that most teenagers express their desire for independence. They often say they want to handle their own problems, but the truth is that they don’t. When they say that they are trying to convey the message that they don’t want to be told exactly what to do, but they still want help.

A teenager wants to know that they can talk with their parents without being treated like a child. This is where communication comes in. When your teen was a child your communication was more along the lines of telling them what to do. As they become teenagers it needs to become more and more a two way street.

Keeping the lines of communication open is easier when talking about third party situations than with personal ones. For example, after watching a television show where the girl made a bad decision on who to date ask your teenager what they think she should have done.

This enables them to talk about an area of their life that is important to them without feeling personally attacked. It also allows you as the parent to discuss the situation without so much emotion and worry attached to it.

As your teenager becomes more comfortable talking to you about different situations they are more likely to talk to you about personal ones when they arise.

It is important that your parenting is proactive and not reactive. Reach back into your past and remember the difficulties you had. Find opportunities to discuss those types of situations with your teenager so that they are prepared in advance to deal with those difficult situations before they experience them.

By doing this you will open the lines of communication and your teenager will see you as a resource for them to come to instead of an enemy to avoid.
Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Words That Destroy

2006-07-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

“You are such a loser!” the larger boy taunted as the smaller child stood his ground trying to fight back the tears. The other children were already taking sides; maybe not physically, but their inaction spoke volumes as to what they believed, or so it seemed.

Some of the other boys started joining in, “Hey, loser! Get lost! We don’t need any wimps on our team!”

The child slowly turned, no longer able to fight back the tears, and began to run away in hopes that the others hadn’t seen him cry.

I will never understand how someone can absolutely belittle someone like that, but I do know that it occurs everyday all around the world. People who are hurting, insecure, and have a poor self image strike out at those around them thinking that if they can make someone feel worse than they do that somehow it will make them feel better.

Studies on bullying show that the reason bullies bully is because they have been bullied themselves. Perhaps it was an older brother, a neighbor or a parent. Through their victimization they learned to strike out first; hurt or be hurt becomes their motto.

Even though they are using words to emotionally destroy those around them they are really looking for some way to feel better about themselves. Knowing this explains why scripture says in Romans 12:20, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head,”

Jesus himself said that we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. If we are to do good things and build up our enemies emotionally, how much more are we to do build up those around us?

You probably weren’t the bully in your school beating up kids on the playground, but everyone has hurt someone emotionally. In our pain we strike out at those around us. It may be in verbally or physically aggressive ways or it may be in passive aggressive ways such as withdrawing love and affection.

Can you think of a time that you have hurt someone? Maybe they deserved it, and maybe they didn’t, but as a Christian you are not called to take revenge, but to love. That is tough to do when you have been hurt.

If your action or inaction has hurt someone around you take the following steps: ask God to forgive you, ask the person to forgive you, and get busy building them up emotionally by doing good things for them and saying good things about them.

The results are amazing, because as you begin to build others up emotionally you will find that you are the one being built up. Don’t believe me? Start doing it and try to prove me wrong; I double dog dare you!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Train Your Child

2006-07-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

Recently, Alisa and I have been training our children in the area of their identity. We have been teaching them about who they are in Christ, who they became when they accepted Jesus as their Savior. The two we have covered so far have been: “I am God’s child,” and “I am Jesus’ friend.” We not only tell them who they are, we also cover the verses in scripture that back it up.

We are doing this because we believe it is important to teach them about who God has made them into. This isn’t something they can achieve or earn; it is something that occurred when they became Christians.

This may sound like a religious rhetoric, but I assure you, our children’s identity is one of the most important issues that are facing them today. Their identity is how they define themselves and it will dictate what they do. Our identity is the “why” we do what we do.

If we don’t teach our children who they are in Christ all they will have to identity themselves with is their flesh: how thy look, feel, think and what they do.

The other day we were bowling when John Mark, my ten year old, started performing poorly. He became frustrated and started becoming critical of himself. I asked him, “Who are you?” He said, “Someone who stinks at bowling!” When I repeated my question he responded in an ugly tone, “I am a child of God! But Dad, that doesn’t have anything to do with bowling!” I told him, “You are right, and your bowling performance has nothing to do with who you are.”

Truth be known, we typically train our children to identify themselves by their flesh. We love them when they behave and proud of them when they succeed, teaching them that their identity is found in what they do.

Sometimes we make too big a deal over whether or not they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or if they are popular or not, teaching them to define themselves by how they are accepted by others. Other times we place too much importance on their academics and teach them that they are only people of worth if they achieve.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your child to succeed academically, behave appropriately or to have successful relationships, but when we spend more time praising these efforts instead of focusing on their true identity in Christ we leave them with a skewed view of themselves and set them up for certain failure.

If our children’s identity is tied up in being accepted by others then they are at risk of following the crown in order to fit in. If it is focused on their beauty they are at risk of abusing diet pills or developing eating disorders in order to “stay beautiful.”

Ask your children, “Who are you?” If they identify themselves according to their “flesh,” begin teaching them who they really are. By teaching our children who they really are in Christ we offer them an identity that will remain solid even when circumstances around them change.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

The Power of Suffering

2006-07-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have yet to meet the person who truly enjoys suffering. I realize that there are some people out there who seem to love to suffer, but my experience with those individuals is that they too are searching for a way out of their pain.

Why is there suffering? I can’t count the times this question is asked of me. I am sure there are a million different opinions on this topic, but my answer to this question is simply, “sin.” I don’t believe that God created suffering; I believe that suffering entered into the world with sin. When Adam and Eve decided to do what they wanted instead of obeying God, sin entered the world and suffering came right along with it.

Therefore all sin is bad, right? No, I don’t believe that either. Many people get confused at this point. Logically, it makes sense that if suffering entered into the world through the pathway made by sin, all suffering should be evil. It’s logical, but the Bible isn’t always logical. (Just look at that love your enemy stuff and you will agree with my last statement!)

This is where Romans 8:28 comes in, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV) God can use suffering for my good, you ask? Yes, absolutely, most definitely! God can use our best efforts, our worst mistakes, and even suffering for our good.

Think about it! When things are going great who do we rely on, God? I don’t think so! We rely on ourselves. Just because we are Christians doesn’t make every thought we have godly! Most people would never admit that they believe this way, but if our actions reveal our faith, who are we really saying we rely on?

Suffering brings us to a state of humility, a place where we look up and say, “God, I need you!” It brings us closer to God. When we are in this state we allow God to have total control, because we just can’t handle it anymore.

Many pastors preach that suffering only comes upon us as a result of sin in our lives. I don’t believe that! Sometimes God allows us to suffer in order to teach us something, to take us to the next level, to have a deeper relationship with him! Sometimes he allows us to suffer so others around us can have a godly example of how to remain faithful to God, even in suffering.

There is nothing wrong with crying out to God to take your suffering away. Personally, I do that on a regular basis. Anytime suffering comes my way, I am crying out to God for him to remove it. Sometimes he does, and other times he doesn’t!

During those times that God chooses not to remove my suffering I am learning to stop wallowing in my misery and truly seek after God. During the few times that I have done it right, when I stop and listen, when I totally surrender, I find God reaching out to me. He wants me to go deeper, he wants me to be less dependent on this world; he wants me to get more of my emotional needs met through him than through other people.

The next time you find yourself suffering, stop and listen for what God is saying to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you heard him say, “Come closer, lean on me, I love you!’

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Suffering By Comparison

2006-07-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

My wife and I had to take our four year old, Mitch, to the bowling alley the other day. He was so excited! You should have seen him in those little bowling shoes with the velcro straps, and his six pound bowling ball.

He couldn’t hold the ball with just his fingers, but he would put his fingers in the appropriate holes and lift the bowling ball with both hands and heave it down the lane. I have a photograph of his first spare; he is jumping in the air. He was so thrilled, he could hardly contain himself.

During the game he made two spares and one strike, and at one point was even beating me! When his ball would knock down the bowling pins he would turn around, throw his hands in the air and say something like, “I’m good!”

What age is it that we stop complimenting ourselves? When is it that we develop this idea that we can’t admit that we are good at anything?

I was bowling a great game until some business men came in to bowl during their lunch hour. These guys played all the time, and even though I knew that I wasn’t as good as they were my attitude about how I was doing began to chang.

Suddenly I wasn’t doing well enough, and I wanted to be doing better. If one of those men bowled a strike and I bowled a strike, I would look at the ball speed and compare who threw theirs faster. I didn’t even know these men! I wasn’t even speaking to them, but for some reason I began to compare myself to them.

Have you noticed when you begin to compare yourself to someone else you are no longer happy with what you have? Suppose you bought a used car in mint condition; you loved it and couldn’t wait to show it off at work. But, upon arriving at work the next day someone else is there showing off their brand new, top of the line vehicle. Suddenly you are not as excited about your purchase; you still like it, but it has lost some of its luster.

When we compare ourselves to others we always suffer by comparison. It doesn’t matter if we won that round of comparing or not, we still suffer! It is the simple fact that we are doing it that determines it. Even if you win this round, you will eventually lose one.

When we compare ourselves to others we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and depression. We begin to look at the world through distorted glasses; we fail to recognize the wonderful traits God has given us and only focus on what we don’t have.

You are an awesome person! You are “fearfully and wonderfully made!” (Psalm 139:14) You have purpose and meaning! (Psalm 138:8) You have been given talents to be used! (Matthew 25:14-30)

It’s time we stop comparing ourselves to others and realize who we really are! Only then will we begin to discover our true potential!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Simple Adjustments Produce Major Changes

2006-07-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

“I wish my spouse would (fill in the blank), then I wouldn’t have to…” You can fill in the blanks with just about anything. I don’t think there is a home in America where these kinds of phrases are not uttered in some fashion.

Have you noticed that whenever a problem comes up our first thoughts are that everyone else around us should change? I have sat in my counseling office listening to men and women who have been divorced multiple times telling me how each of their former spouses had the same problem. After a few minutes I just can’t help myself. I am almost compelled by some outside force to lean forward and ask, “What is the only constant in each of those relationships? What is that one common thread?”

To me the answer is obvious, it’s them!

I have to wonder if we would adjust our perspective just a little bit, if our lives wouldn’t make a major change for the positive. Let’s think about this! When we come across a problem we typically think that if we can change our situation, whether by moving, quitting our job, divorcing our spouse, making more money, etc. that our problem would go away.

In reality, the problem still exists. Those environmental changes cover up the problem for a little while, but there is always one thing that is still there that hasn’t changed- US! We are the constant in most of our problems!

We spend an enormous amount of energy trying to change everyone else, when the only person we really have any chance of changing is ourselves. No wonder we walk around so frustrated all the time!

When a problem comes our way the first thought we need to consider is, “What can I do to make this better? What is it I need to start doing or stop doing that can improve this situation?”

For those of you who think I am crazy, ask your self this question, “If my spouse, boss, friend, etc. would start considering how they can change, how much would the situation improve?” Would it improve a little or a lot? Would it be a positive improvement or a negative one? Be honest!

Now, if you think this will work for everyone else in your life, what is it that keeps you from realizing that it will also work if you did it?

Remember:
You are the constant in the majority of your relationship problems
You can’t control anyone but yourself
If others making minor changes can improve the situation, then you making minor changes can too!

Do you really want your situation to get better? If so, what is it you can do or stop doing that will facilitate that change? Now, go write it down and commit to doing it! Your future is in your hands!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Putting On All Your Armor

2006-07-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower when my four year old Mitch politely knocked on the bathroom door. “Who is it?” I called. “It’s me, Mitch!” he answered. I told him to come in and he asked me when I was going to be done, because he had something to show me. I poked my head around the shower curtain to see him standing proudly in his batman pajamas with a belt around his waist made out of Jackson’s baby ring toys.

“I like your belt, Mitch!” I said in an excited voice. “It’s not a belt, it’s a best!” he exclaimed. “A best? Oh a vest!” (You sometimes have to substitute “b’s” for “v’s” in my house in order to keep up in conversations.)

I watched him stare at himself in the mirror for a moment, checking out his new superhero look. “Well,” he finally said, “maybe it is a belt.” And with that he happily ran out of the bathroom to show everyone else his new belt.

I chuckled to myself as I dried off and got ready for the day. He is such a cutie! But then the truth of what just happened started to sink in. Here he was with this new piece of armor for his imaginary game of superhero, and he was so confident in that belt that he believed that it protected him more than it did. In his mind, he felt protected, but the vest he thought he had on turned out to only be a belt.

Ephesians 6:11 ran through my mind, “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” I began to think about Christians getting so excited about a new piece of spiritual armor to wear that they “feel” as if they are invincible. They run out into the daily battles with only the helmet of salvation on, and come back wounded and confused. “What happened?” they wonder, “Why didn’t I win that battle? I’m saved, aren’t I?”

Sometimes I find myself so confident in my belt of truth that I forget to put on the breastplate of righteousness, or I leave my shield of faith behind. “I’ve been in this kind of battle before,” I think to myself. And I come back from the battle wounded and confused because I tried to do things in my power and in my authority.

Are you putting on the full armor of God on a daily basis? Are you intentionally reassuring yourself of your salvation, checking for any attitudes or actions that would chink your breastplate of righteousness, are you stepping out into unknown territory with your shield of faith or continually fighting familiar battles in your own strength? Are you reading God’s word on a regular basis so that you know the truth, and are you intentionally putting it into practice so your feet will be ready to move in the right direction when temptations come your way?

I have found myself pretty beat up lately, and looking back I have no one to blame but myself. You see, I left some of my armor at home when I went out to face life’s battles. The good news is that I can immediately put it back on. God isn’t up there laughing at me or scolding me; he stands there ready to help me fasten my armor back on, and checking to make sure there are no weak places.

If you find yourself wounded and weary, check your equipment. It may be that you left a piece of it behind!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Hurting Over A Loved One

2006-07-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

I received a letter from a woman who was hurting because of her mother. Her mother made a profession of faith as a child, but is not living for Christ and is very depressed. She wanted prayer and advice.

I would like to share my letter to her because I believe that many of you may be experiencing a similar situation. My response is below:

It is never easy witnessing to someone or sharing God's truth for their life and watching them ignore it. It is even more difficult when they are a loved one.

I can't count the number of youth and adults that I have shared God's truth with only to have them continue on the path that led them to depression and despair.

The answer to your question is simplistic, but not necessarily easy. You are only responsible for sharing truth with people, they are responsible for what they do with it. You are right; you can't force anything on them or make the decisions for them- no matter how much you want to.

God understands your pain, he experiences the same thing on a daily basis, watching those he created specifically to have a deep, intimate, personal relationship with him only to have them reject salvation, or watch those who are his children refuse to apply truths to their lives that would allow them to have the peace and joy he so desperately wants for them.

What is my advice? There are several things you can do:
1. Continue to invite her to church
2. Continue to share how God has blessed you. Be specific on what truth you have applied and the blessings that have resulted from it.
3. Send her tapes or CD's of sermons or teachings that you have heard that you feel will meet one of her needs.
4. Allow her to face the consequences of her actions. This is difficult, but necessary. If you rescue her you may be taking away her need that will draw her to God. Some people need to suffer more than others to recognize their need for God.
5. Don't allow her to guilt you. Real guilt comes from doing something wrong and it leads to repentance. False guilt consumes you and keeps you from moving forward spiritually. I don't know your mother, but she may use guilt in an attempt to get you to meet needs that only God can. If you try to meet those, you will always come up short.
6. Base your decisions concerning your mother on truth and not your emotions. Your emotions are easily manipulated, but truth is the only solid foundation.
7. Confide in and listen to your husband. God has given you a godly man as your partner in life. Pray for God to give him wisdom as he helps you through this.
8. Continue to pray. Pray for wisdom. Cast demons away from your mother in the name of Jesus. Pray for angels to surround and protect her. Pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to her, and pray that she begins to listen.
9. Find your peace in your obedience to God in this situation, not in your ability to effect change. It is your job to love, the Holy Spirit's job to convict, and your mother's job to submit and change. Remember your place.

Ultimately you will have to give her to God. Trust him and remember that He loves her more than you do.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the Founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

Taking Inventory

2006-07-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

Another year is upon us; and with comes another round of empty promises of change in the form of resolutions. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about change! I believe that is what the Christian walk is all about; allowing the Holy Spirit to show us what habits and behaviors we need to let go of and what actions we need to replace them with.

So, what promises have you made this year? Are you going to stop drinking so many soft drinks, quit smoking, or was it to lose the twenty pounds you gained over Thanksgiving? I believe those are important resolutions; our physical health is important, but what about our emotional health?

It has been said, “The greatest gift you can give your child is to love his mother.” I think that would also ring true for women loving their child’s father. If the parents are divorced you can replace the word love with respect. I believe that research will back me up when I say that children who come from homes where the parents love and respect each other have higher self esteem and fewer emotional problems.

Unfortunately, most couples don’t focus on keeping their relationship strong. As a counselor, it is frustrating when a couple walks into my office in a “last ditch effort to save their marriage.” I can’t say that it never works and marriages aren’t salvaged. What I am saying is that it sure would be a lot easier for the couple if they came into the counseling office at the first signs of trouble instead of waiting until one of them threatens to divorce the other!

Have you taken the time to make sure your marriage is functioning at its best? Most men have their vehicles checked on a regular basis to ensure that it is working properly. They don’t wait for the engine to lock up before they change the oil, but they will wait for their marriage to fail before they consider getting help.

Rate the following questions on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best:

How happy am I in my marriage?
My spouse meets my emotional needs.
My spouse considers me before themselves.
My spouse listens to me when I talk.

We will stop right there for now. When you are done rating your marriage, ask your spouse to do the same thing. Then sit down and compare your answers. Be willing to hear about areas they would like you to work on. If you find yourselves at an impasse, set an appointment with a counselor and get your marriage “tuned up.”

This year let’s make resolutions that count. Take an inventory of the most important relationship you have, and do what it takes to make it even better!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

The Dangers of Boredom

2006-07-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like a lengthy break from school and the heat of summer to tempt one of my children to say, “I’m bored; there’s nothing to do!” They usually say this to their mother thinking that I can’t hear them from the next room.

There is nothing that strikes fear into the hearts of my children more than hearing me ask, “You’re bored?” Their eyes grow to the size of saucers, and sweat begins to pour down the sides of their faces. Their eyes scan the room searching for a way to escape, only to realize that it’s too late.

“You’re bored and you need help finding something to do?” I ask again. At this point they frantically try to convince me they have plenty of options, because they know if I find them something to do it will be work!

You may think I am too harsh, or that I should have a little more compassion on my children. I don’t give my children work because I don’t love them; I give it to them because I want to teach them how to find something to do when they become bored.

Do you know what the number one excuse teenagers use as their reason to do drugs? It’s not peer pressure, thrill seeking, or trying to mask emotional pain. All of those are top reasons, but nationwide the number one excuse used is, “Nothing better to do.”

Don’t think that holds true for rural towns? I have personally had teenagers in the back of my patrol car, under arrest for drug possession, who gave the very same answer when I asked them why they were using drugs.

A 2000 Partnership Attitude Tracking Study showed that teenagers in rural areas were 50% more likely to use cocaine than urban kids, 34% likelier to smoke marijuana, 83% likelier to use crack cocaine, 29% likelier to drink alcohol, 70% likelier to have been drunk. They were also more than twice as likely to smoke cigarettes and nearly five times as likely to use smokeless tobacco.

Do you know why? Because in rural towns there are fewer movie theaters, roller rinks, putt-putt courses, go cart tracks and other clean fun opportunities than there are in an urban setting.

You may not be able to build a putt-putt course but there are things you can do to reduce the chances of your child using drugs. Spend time with your children individually; find something they are interested in and do it together. Develop a family night where you play games as a family. They may think it is lame at first, but be creative; allow them to pick the games or plan the evening. Cook a meal as a family, with the children selecting the menu.

You are only limited by your imagination. If your children show some resistance, show them a list of chores and give them a choice. I bet I know which one they’d choose!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the Founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.