Guidelines for Effective Discipline

Ok, the first thing I want to make very clear here is that I am not the perfect disciplinarian! My wife and I flounder around like everyone else trying to find out what works best for our children. I can’t count the number of times I have wished that my children came with an instruction manual! And each of the little stinkers is different; what works with one may not work effectively with another. (I am sure this is God’s sense of humor at work.)

Maybe the best place to start talking about effective discipline is to look at a few ineffective forms of discipline. Ineffective discipline is usually focused on the child personally and not the behavior. It can leave the child hurting emotionally and sometimes physically.

1. Yelling. I can speak from personal experience here. When you yell at someone, it doesn’t get your point across any clearer. In fact, it usually causes the listener to shut you out.

2. Sarcasm. Sarcasm is belittling and usually teaches your children how to be sarcastic back to you instead of remembering the point you were trying to make.

3. Being Mean. If you have more than one child and you ground one of them, don’t point out things they can’t do now that their grounded. It is hurtful and causes them to resent you.

4. Spanking in Anger. If you are angry it is usually due to the fact that your focus is not on disciplining bad behavior, but discipline only occurs when you are fed up. If you use corporal punishment when you are angry you greatly increase the risk of physically abusing your child.

5. Threats. A threat is like a warning (see below) without any follow up. The threat of discipline without consistent follow through makes you unbelievable.

6. Name Calling. Yes, they may be acting like brats but calling them brats to their face is emotionally damaging. You are their first source of identity. They will believe what you tell them!

Effective discipline separates the child from their behavior. Instead of attacking the child you are attacking the behavior.

1. Setting Clear Boundaries. Let your child know exactly what you expect and what sort of discipline they will face if they chose to disobey.

2. The One Warning System. You can warn your children when they are getting close to crossing a boundary you have set, but don’t warn them more than once or it will be seen as a threat.

3. Consistency. For boundaries to remain clear you must discipline your child every time he crosses it. The moment you fail to be consistent they will start to see the boundary as only a threat.

4. Confronting Behaviors. If your child is acting like a spoiled brat you can say, “You are acting like a spoiled child, and that is not who you are. I expect this to stop and if it doesn’t (insert discipline here) will happen.” Don’t forget to follow through.

5. Grace. Grace is giving something to a child that they don’t deserve. If they are grounded for a week and they have made the necessary attitude adjustments, it is ok to lessen the discipline. It teaches them what God has done for all of us. But use this sparingly or you will be seen as a pushover.

6. Spanking. Corporal punishment can be very effective. I encourage parents to use their hands so they can feel how hard they are hitting. This should wane by the teen years as it can cause older children to rise up and hit back, and should never be done while angry.

7. Grounding. Some children are very social creatures. Keeping them from their friends can be a very effective tool in molding their attitudes and actions. This is very effective with teenagers.
Time Out. Separating your child from the situation can give him and you the time needed for tempers to calm down.

8. Sitting in the Corner. A variation of time out that can be effective for children who have a tendency to wander around a room and play when they are supposed to be in time out. Expect to have to sit there and monitor them, or check on them every few minutes.

Discipline is most effective when done in a calm manner, separating the child’s behavior from who they are personally. Make sure the discipline is age appropriate. Talking to your child before the discipline about why the discipline is about to occur helps them to understand the boundary more clearly. If they argue, tell them that you are not asking them to agree, but to understand the meaning of the words you are speaking. You can follow the discipline with them telling you why they were disciplined and then telling you what you expect in the future.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547