Doing All You Can

All relationships are difficult; marriages, friendships, dating and working relationships. I don’t care how great yours is going right now, at some point it will become difficult. These rough patches are usually due to the fact that we are not getting what we want out of the relationship; our needs are not being met.

One thing that really stinks about being in a relationship is the lack of control. There is absolutely no way to make someone do what you want them to do, at least not long term. That doesn’t stop people from trying though. We demand, throw fits, manipulate, or use passive aggressive behavior; all of these are ploys we use to try to control others.

The stress of trying to control someone else is exhausting. Constantly worrying that they are doing what they are supposed to do, the arguing and fighting, and wondering if they are really sincere can wear you down. (A little side note here: if you have to manipulate someone to get them to do what you want they are not sincere, they are just avoiding your emotional punishment!)

My daughter started private school this year and has had her first experience with mean girls. The short version is that she got her feelings hurt by a girl and was mean back to her. The result was the other girl getting her friends to be mean to my daughter. Instead of marching down to the school and demanding things be made right, Alisa and I went another route and decided to teach Ann Marie about doing what was right even though she didn’t get positive results from the people around her.

It was a rough start, but the results have been wonderful. Ann Marie has realized several things through this experience: popularity is fleeting, retaliation can backfire on you, and you can’t change others. However, the most important lesson she learned was: by controlling your reactions to others the situation may not change, but how you feel about yourself does.

Instead of being nice to get the other girls to be nice back, she is being nice because God’s word says to do good things to those who do bad things to you. Instead of allowing others actions to dictate how she feels about herself, she is learning to base her self esteem on her relationship with God and how well she reacts to the situation.

When we base how we treat others on their response to us our emotions are in turmoil and others are actually in control of us. But when we realize who we are in Christ, realizing we are loved unconditionally, then share that love with others regardless of how they react, our perspective changes.

Those girls may never decide to be Ann Marie’s friends, but at the end of the day my daughter can know that she has done all she can. She is not responsible for their behavior, only hers.

If there is a relationship in your life that is strained, find truths in God’s word to apply to that situation. Swallow your pride and make adjustments in your reactions so that at the end of the day you can say, “I have truly done all that I can.” You will be surprised at the difference it will make.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547