Is Your Home A Haven?
Men, have you ever come home late after a long day of work and open the garage door only to discover seventeen bicycles, four wagons, and a gazillion basketballs in the spot where you usually park your car? Then you walk into the house, take off your shoes so you won’t wake anyone, only to proceed to step on every lego toy every made this side of the Mississippi?
Then have your wife awakened by your screams and rushes to your aid wielding a baseball bat, because from the sounds you were making she assumed you were being attacked by three very large burglars. And let’s just be honest here, her giggling doesn’t help your attitude any as you begin to remove legos which seem to have become permanently embedded in the bottom of your foot!
At this point your attitude is shot! You begin to scream and holler about needing a place of rest and comfort to come home to. You work all day long and sometimes into the night, and this is what you have to contend with! Even the next day your attitude is sour and the kids keep their distance, not wanting to become your next victim.
It doesn’t take too many nights like this for your home to cease to become a haven to your children. And maybe it’s not because of angry outbursts; perhaps they feel like they don’t measure up: they don’t make the grade or fit the mold that you are trying to press them into. Under the pressure they shoot out of your house and into someone else’s where they feel accepted, safe, and secure.
It is not unusual for teenage children to find refuge in someone else’s house. But that is not what we envisioned when we were rocking them so many years ago. Not one of us thought, “I can’t wait until they hate me so much that they spend as little time in my house as possible!” And yet, that happens- a lot!
Although there are no guarantees, there are actions we can take to increase the odds of our home becoming the haven our children desperately want and need. The first one is to listen without judgment. When we use reflective listening and repeat our children’s ideas back to them we let them know we understand them.
It is important that you don’t immediately tell them they are wrong; you want to avoid disrespecting them. You can discuss ideas with them and disagree respectfully. Your child is looking more for your approval than your agreement! Show respect for them as people!
Something else we can do is to make time for the family. Game nights are especially good. However when you plan them, expect resistance, then it won’t tick you off so much when it occurs! The other night we were playing a game and John Mark kept saying, “Can I leave now?” at every opportunity. Of course I told him he couldn’t. He would look frustrated and say, Why?” Being prepared for this I jokingly responded, “Because one of the privileges of being a parent is torturing your children.” And then I winked at him. Within a few minutes he was into the next game we were playing and we had a great time.
As parents we need to stop reacting to our children and become proactive in building a haven for our children. Take a close look at what is not working in your home and come up with some positive actions you can take, and commit to continue to do them even if you don’t immediately get the reaction that you want.
Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547
Then have your wife awakened by your screams and rushes to your aid wielding a baseball bat, because from the sounds you were making she assumed you were being attacked by three very large burglars. And let’s just be honest here, her giggling doesn’t help your attitude any as you begin to remove legos which seem to have become permanently embedded in the bottom of your foot!
At this point your attitude is shot! You begin to scream and holler about needing a place of rest and comfort to come home to. You work all day long and sometimes into the night, and this is what you have to contend with! Even the next day your attitude is sour and the kids keep their distance, not wanting to become your next victim.
It doesn’t take too many nights like this for your home to cease to become a haven to your children. And maybe it’s not because of angry outbursts; perhaps they feel like they don’t measure up: they don’t make the grade or fit the mold that you are trying to press them into. Under the pressure they shoot out of your house and into someone else’s where they feel accepted, safe, and secure.
It is not unusual for teenage children to find refuge in someone else’s house. But that is not what we envisioned when we were rocking them so many years ago. Not one of us thought, “I can’t wait until they hate me so much that they spend as little time in my house as possible!” And yet, that happens- a lot!
Although there are no guarantees, there are actions we can take to increase the odds of our home becoming the haven our children desperately want and need. The first one is to listen without judgment. When we use reflective listening and repeat our children’s ideas back to them we let them know we understand them.
It is important that you don’t immediately tell them they are wrong; you want to avoid disrespecting them. You can discuss ideas with them and disagree respectfully. Your child is looking more for your approval than your agreement! Show respect for them as people!
Something else we can do is to make time for the family. Game nights are especially good. However when you plan them, expect resistance, then it won’t tick you off so much when it occurs! The other night we were playing a game and John Mark kept saying, “Can I leave now?” at every opportunity. Of course I told him he couldn’t. He would look frustrated and say, Why?” Being prepared for this I jokingly responded, “Because one of the privileges of being a parent is torturing your children.” And then I winked at him. Within a few minutes he was into the next game we were playing and we had a great time.
As parents we need to stop reacting to our children and become proactive in building a haven for our children. Take a close look at what is not working in your home and come up with some positive actions you can take, and commit to continue to do them even if you don’t immediately get the reaction that you want.
Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547
posted by Johnny Walker at 8:51 AM
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