The Importance of Being Wrong

Little Johnny is sitting in class trying to pay attention. Not being the scholarly type he is lucky to be getting by grade wise. To be honest, he is more interested in the people around him. He likes people and he wants them to like him. Suddenly the unusual occurs: the teacher actually asked a question that he knows the answer to. Wanting the people around him to think he is smart he raises his hand as high as possible can; his fingers start rapidly moving back and forth as he does his best to get the teacher’s attention.

The teacher is surprised to see little Johnny’s hand in the air, and calls on him. Knowing he has the right answer, Johnny smiles from ear to ear as he proudly offers it to the class. Unfortunately for little Johnny his answer is wrong. His smile fades as he sinks back into his chair while the teacher goes to the next child to find the correct answer to the question.

No one says anything to little Johnny. No one teases him, no one makes a snide remark, and even worse: no one explained to him how great it was that he tried to come up with the right answer. No one bothered telling him that even though being right may be the end result that we are seeking, being wrong over and over is part of our journey. No one cheered his attempt; therefore, what he had already assumed to be true, that being right is all that matters, was solidified even more into his psyche.

Eventually little Johnny learned to rationalize why he was wrong. He would explain himself and his logic. He eventually began to refuse to be wrong and attempt to prove that he was really right. Even though he knew he was wrong, it became more important to feel like he was right than it was to be right. Why? Because he continued to believe the lie that being right is all that matters. So he convinced himself to believe more lies so he could at least feel like he was right.

Little Johnny is not the only one who had an experience like this, and I am willing to bet that somewhere along your journey you experienced something similar. Somewhere in our lives we begin to believe that being right is the ultimate goal. What we have failed to learn is how to be wrong.

This is especially true in relationships. We assume things about the other person and when we are wrong we find ourselves arguing our case. We spend all of our energy trying to prove that they are wrong and we are right. Some people argue their case out loud to get others to agree, while others simply rationalize their behavior in their own minds and continue in their dysfunction.

There are many reasons for this, but I believe the biggest reason is because we don’t know how to be wrong. We actually believe that if we are wrong in our assumptions then something must be wrong with us.

There is nothing wrong with being wrong; however, there is something wrong with staying wrong. Allow me to explain. If I assume something about my wife that isn’t correct and I have not developed the emotional skill of being wrong then I will spend my energy proving that I am right. Even if I can intellectually prove that I am correct, I will still be wrong and the relationship will continue to suffer.

However, if I assume something about my wife and she tells me I am wrong, I realize that being wrong is part of the process of learning to understand her better and I am willing for her to tell me the truth, then I can learn what it is she needs and spend my energy providing for her needs and improving our relationship instead of wasting my energy on my need to be right and damaging our relationship.

Being wrong is a part of a functional relationship; staying wrong is what creates dysfunction and damages relationships. What is amazing is that we already know that being wrong is a natural part of the process. We typically don’t get angry with people for being wrong when they try to understand our needs. However, we can become furious when they stay wrong and refuse to understand our needs.

To develop the emotional skill of being wrong you have to intentionally look for ways that you are wrong. It’s easy; just listen to the people around you. When they say, “No, that’s not right,” just keep your mouth shut and listen. Refuse to explain yourself and instead repeat back to them what they said after “No, that’s not right.”

You will be surprised at how people will enjoy you being wrong. They won’t care that you misunderstood them in the beginning, because all they care about is how you understand them in the end.

So, get out there and keep being wrong; just refuse to stay wrong!