Teens and Stress

Most parents reading the title of this column would simply say “I agree” and move on, because having a teenager does cause a parents stress level to increase. There is more to worry about, more car insurance to buy, and more private investigators to hire. But what about the stress that teenagers are going through; and what are parents doing to reduce it, or worse yet, to cause it?

“You are accusing us of causing our teenagers to stress,” You ask? In a nutshell, yes! A 2000 survey done by Teen Magazine showed that there is a direct link between a teenager’s stress and their relationship with parents.

According to the survey teenagers reported that having a close relationship with their parents reduced their stress. Imagine that! It wasn’t getting everything they wanted from the store, but a close relationship with their parents that reduced stress. (It must have been a trick survey!)

Nevertheless, the survey showed that girls with a close relationship with their parents stressed less about guys and dating as well as less stress about having the “right look.”

One of the major causes of stress in a teenager is trying to deal with difficult situations without having sufficient resources to help guide them, and there is no better guide for a teenager than their parents.

I realize that most teenagers express their desire for independence. They often say they want to handle their own problems, but the truth is that they don’t. When they say that they are trying to convey the message that they don’t want to be told exactly what to do, but they still want help.

A teenager wants to know that they can talk with their parents without being treated like a child. This is where communication comes in. When your teen was a child your communication was more along the lines of telling them what to do. As they become teenagers it needs to become more and more a two way street.

Keeping the lines of communication open is easier when talking about third party situations than with personal ones. For example, after watching a television show where the girl made a bad decision on who to date ask your teenager what they think she should have done.

This enables them to talk about an area of their life that is important to them without feeling personally attacked. It also allows you as the parent to discuss the situation without so much emotion and worry attached to it.

As your teenager becomes more comfortable talking to you about different situations they are more likely to talk to you about personal ones when they arise.

It is important that your parenting is proactive and not reactive. Reach back into your past and remember the difficulties you had. Find opportunities to discuss those types of situations with your teenager so that they are prepared in advance to deal with those difficult situations before they experience them.

By doing this you will open the lines of communication and your teenager will see you as a resource for them to come to instead of an enemy to avoid.
Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Words That Destroy

“You are such a loser!” the larger boy taunted as the smaller child stood his ground trying to fight back the tears. The other children were already taking sides; maybe not physically, but their inaction spoke volumes as to what they believed, or so it seemed.

Some of the other boys started joining in, “Hey, loser! Get lost! We don’t need any wimps on our team!”

The child slowly turned, no longer able to fight back the tears, and began to run away in hopes that the others hadn’t seen him cry.

I will never understand how someone can absolutely belittle someone like that, but I do know that it occurs everyday all around the world. People who are hurting, insecure, and have a poor self image strike out at those around them thinking that if they can make someone feel worse than they do that somehow it will make them feel better.

Studies on bullying show that the reason bullies bully is because they have been bullied themselves. Perhaps it was an older brother, a neighbor or a parent. Through their victimization they learned to strike out first; hurt or be hurt becomes their motto.

Even though they are using words to emotionally destroy those around them they are really looking for some way to feel better about themselves. Knowing this explains why scripture says in Romans 12:20, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head,”

Jesus himself said that we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. If we are to do good things and build up our enemies emotionally, how much more are we to do build up those around us?

You probably weren’t the bully in your school beating up kids on the playground, but everyone has hurt someone emotionally. In our pain we strike out at those around us. It may be in verbally or physically aggressive ways or it may be in passive aggressive ways such as withdrawing love and affection.

Can you think of a time that you have hurt someone? Maybe they deserved it, and maybe they didn’t, but as a Christian you are not called to take revenge, but to love. That is tough to do when you have been hurt.

If your action or inaction has hurt someone around you take the following steps: ask God to forgive you, ask the person to forgive you, and get busy building them up emotionally by doing good things for them and saying good things about them.

The results are amazing, because as you begin to build others up emotionally you will find that you are the one being built up. Don’t believe me? Start doing it and try to prove me wrong; I double dog dare you!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Train Your Child

Recently, Alisa and I have been training our children in the area of their identity. We have been teaching them about who they are in Christ, who they became when they accepted Jesus as their Savior. The two we have covered so far have been: “I am God’s child,” and “I am Jesus’ friend.” We not only tell them who they are, we also cover the verses in scripture that back it up.

We are doing this because we believe it is important to teach them about who God has made them into. This isn’t something they can achieve or earn; it is something that occurred when they became Christians.

This may sound like a religious rhetoric, but I assure you, our children’s identity is one of the most important issues that are facing them today. Their identity is how they define themselves and it will dictate what they do. Our identity is the “why” we do what we do.

If we don’t teach our children who they are in Christ all they will have to identity themselves with is their flesh: how thy look, feel, think and what they do.

The other day we were bowling when John Mark, my ten year old, started performing poorly. He became frustrated and started becoming critical of himself. I asked him, “Who are you?” He said, “Someone who stinks at bowling!” When I repeated my question he responded in an ugly tone, “I am a child of God! But Dad, that doesn’t have anything to do with bowling!” I told him, “You are right, and your bowling performance has nothing to do with who you are.”

Truth be known, we typically train our children to identify themselves by their flesh. We love them when they behave and proud of them when they succeed, teaching them that their identity is found in what they do.

Sometimes we make too big a deal over whether or not they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or if they are popular or not, teaching them to define themselves by how they are accepted by others. Other times we place too much importance on their academics and teach them that they are only people of worth if they achieve.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your child to succeed academically, behave appropriately or to have successful relationships, but when we spend more time praising these efforts instead of focusing on their true identity in Christ we leave them with a skewed view of themselves and set them up for certain failure.

If our children’s identity is tied up in being accepted by others then they are at risk of following the crown in order to fit in. If it is focused on their beauty they are at risk of abusing diet pills or developing eating disorders in order to “stay beautiful.”

Ask your children, “Who are you?” If they identify themselves according to their “flesh,” begin teaching them who they really are. By teaching our children who they really are in Christ we offer them an identity that will remain solid even when circumstances around them change.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

The Power of Suffering

I have yet to meet the person who truly enjoys suffering. I realize that there are some people out there who seem to love to suffer, but my experience with those individuals is that they too are searching for a way out of their pain.

Why is there suffering? I can’t count the times this question is asked of me. I am sure there are a million different opinions on this topic, but my answer to this question is simply, “sin.” I don’t believe that God created suffering; I believe that suffering entered into the world with sin. When Adam and Eve decided to do what they wanted instead of obeying God, sin entered the world and suffering came right along with it.

Therefore all sin is bad, right? No, I don’t believe that either. Many people get confused at this point. Logically, it makes sense that if suffering entered into the world through the pathway made by sin, all suffering should be evil. It’s logical, but the Bible isn’t always logical. (Just look at that love your enemy stuff and you will agree with my last statement!)

This is where Romans 8:28 comes in, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV) God can use suffering for my good, you ask? Yes, absolutely, most definitely! God can use our best efforts, our worst mistakes, and even suffering for our good.

Think about it! When things are going great who do we rely on, God? I don’t think so! We rely on ourselves. Just because we are Christians doesn’t make every thought we have godly! Most people would never admit that they believe this way, but if our actions reveal our faith, who are we really saying we rely on?

Suffering brings us to a state of humility, a place where we look up and say, “God, I need you!” It brings us closer to God. When we are in this state we allow God to have total control, because we just can’t handle it anymore.

Many pastors preach that suffering only comes upon us as a result of sin in our lives. I don’t believe that! Sometimes God allows us to suffer in order to teach us something, to take us to the next level, to have a deeper relationship with him! Sometimes he allows us to suffer so others around us can have a godly example of how to remain faithful to God, even in suffering.

There is nothing wrong with crying out to God to take your suffering away. Personally, I do that on a regular basis. Anytime suffering comes my way, I am crying out to God for him to remove it. Sometimes he does, and other times he doesn’t!

During those times that God chooses not to remove my suffering I am learning to stop wallowing in my misery and truly seek after God. During the few times that I have done it right, when I stop and listen, when I totally surrender, I find God reaching out to me. He wants me to go deeper, he wants me to be less dependent on this world; he wants me to get more of my emotional needs met through him than through other people.

The next time you find yourself suffering, stop and listen for what God is saying to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you heard him say, “Come closer, lean on me, I love you!’

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Suffering By Comparison

My wife and I had to take our four year old, Mitch, to the bowling alley the other day. He was so excited! You should have seen him in those little bowling shoes with the velcro straps, and his six pound bowling ball.

He couldn’t hold the ball with just his fingers, but he would put his fingers in the appropriate holes and lift the bowling ball with both hands and heave it down the lane. I have a photograph of his first spare; he is jumping in the air. He was so thrilled, he could hardly contain himself.

During the game he made two spares and one strike, and at one point was even beating me! When his ball would knock down the bowling pins he would turn around, throw his hands in the air and say something like, “I’m good!”

What age is it that we stop complimenting ourselves? When is it that we develop this idea that we can’t admit that we are good at anything?

I was bowling a great game until some business men came in to bowl during their lunch hour. These guys played all the time, and even though I knew that I wasn’t as good as they were my attitude about how I was doing began to chang.

Suddenly I wasn’t doing well enough, and I wanted to be doing better. If one of those men bowled a strike and I bowled a strike, I would look at the ball speed and compare who threw theirs faster. I didn’t even know these men! I wasn’t even speaking to them, but for some reason I began to compare myself to them.

Have you noticed when you begin to compare yourself to someone else you are no longer happy with what you have? Suppose you bought a used car in mint condition; you loved it and couldn’t wait to show it off at work. But, upon arriving at work the next day someone else is there showing off their brand new, top of the line vehicle. Suddenly you are not as excited about your purchase; you still like it, but it has lost some of its luster.

When we compare ourselves to others we always suffer by comparison. It doesn’t matter if we won that round of comparing or not, we still suffer! It is the simple fact that we are doing it that determines it. Even if you win this round, you will eventually lose one.

When we compare ourselves to others we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and depression. We begin to look at the world through distorted glasses; we fail to recognize the wonderful traits God has given us and only focus on what we don’t have.

You are an awesome person! You are “fearfully and wonderfully made!” (Psalm 139:14) You have purpose and meaning! (Psalm 138:8) You have been given talents to be used! (Matthew 25:14-30)

It’s time we stop comparing ourselves to others and realize who we really are! Only then will we begin to discover our true potential!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Simple Adjustments Produce Major Changes

“I wish my spouse would (fill in the blank), then I wouldn’t have to…” You can fill in the blanks with just about anything. I don’t think there is a home in America where these kinds of phrases are not uttered in some fashion.

Have you noticed that whenever a problem comes up our first thoughts are that everyone else around us should change? I have sat in my counseling office listening to men and women who have been divorced multiple times telling me how each of their former spouses had the same problem. After a few minutes I just can’t help myself. I am almost compelled by some outside force to lean forward and ask, “What is the only constant in each of those relationships? What is that one common thread?”

To me the answer is obvious, it’s them!

I have to wonder if we would adjust our perspective just a little bit, if our lives wouldn’t make a major change for the positive. Let’s think about this! When we come across a problem we typically think that if we can change our situation, whether by moving, quitting our job, divorcing our spouse, making more money, etc. that our problem would go away.

In reality, the problem still exists. Those environmental changes cover up the problem for a little while, but there is always one thing that is still there that hasn’t changed- US! We are the constant in most of our problems!

We spend an enormous amount of energy trying to change everyone else, when the only person we really have any chance of changing is ourselves. No wonder we walk around so frustrated all the time!

When a problem comes our way the first thought we need to consider is, “What can I do to make this better? What is it I need to start doing or stop doing that can improve this situation?”

For those of you who think I am crazy, ask your self this question, “If my spouse, boss, friend, etc. would start considering how they can change, how much would the situation improve?” Would it improve a little or a lot? Would it be a positive improvement or a negative one? Be honest!

Now, if you think this will work for everyone else in your life, what is it that keeps you from realizing that it will also work if you did it?

Remember:
You are the constant in the majority of your relationship problems
You can’t control anyone but yourself
If others making minor changes can improve the situation, then you making minor changes can too!

Do you really want your situation to get better? If so, what is it you can do or stop doing that will facilitate that change? Now, go write it down and commit to doing it! Your future is in your hands!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Putting On All Your Armor

I was in the shower when my four year old Mitch politely knocked on the bathroom door. “Who is it?” I called. “It’s me, Mitch!” he answered. I told him to come in and he asked me when I was going to be done, because he had something to show me. I poked my head around the shower curtain to see him standing proudly in his batman pajamas with a belt around his waist made out of Jackson’s baby ring toys.

“I like your belt, Mitch!” I said in an excited voice. “It’s not a belt, it’s a best!” he exclaimed. “A best? Oh a vest!” (You sometimes have to substitute “b’s” for “v’s” in my house in order to keep up in conversations.)

I watched him stare at himself in the mirror for a moment, checking out his new superhero look. “Well,” he finally said, “maybe it is a belt.” And with that he happily ran out of the bathroom to show everyone else his new belt.

I chuckled to myself as I dried off and got ready for the day. He is such a cutie! But then the truth of what just happened started to sink in. Here he was with this new piece of armor for his imaginary game of superhero, and he was so confident in that belt that he believed that it protected him more than it did. In his mind, he felt protected, but the vest he thought he had on turned out to only be a belt.

Ephesians 6:11 ran through my mind, “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” I began to think about Christians getting so excited about a new piece of spiritual armor to wear that they “feel” as if they are invincible. They run out into the daily battles with only the helmet of salvation on, and come back wounded and confused. “What happened?” they wonder, “Why didn’t I win that battle? I’m saved, aren’t I?”

Sometimes I find myself so confident in my belt of truth that I forget to put on the breastplate of righteousness, or I leave my shield of faith behind. “I’ve been in this kind of battle before,” I think to myself. And I come back from the battle wounded and confused because I tried to do things in my power and in my authority.

Are you putting on the full armor of God on a daily basis? Are you intentionally reassuring yourself of your salvation, checking for any attitudes or actions that would chink your breastplate of righteousness, are you stepping out into unknown territory with your shield of faith or continually fighting familiar battles in your own strength? Are you reading God’s word on a regular basis so that you know the truth, and are you intentionally putting it into practice so your feet will be ready to move in the right direction when temptations come your way?

I have found myself pretty beat up lately, and looking back I have no one to blame but myself. You see, I left some of my armor at home when I went out to face life’s battles. The good news is that I can immediately put it back on. God isn’t up there laughing at me or scolding me; he stands there ready to help me fasten my armor back on, and checking to make sure there are no weak places.

If you find yourself wounded and weary, check your equipment. It may be that you left a piece of it behind!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Hurting Over A Loved One

I received a letter from a woman who was hurting because of her mother. Her mother made a profession of faith as a child, but is not living for Christ and is very depressed. She wanted prayer and advice.

I would like to share my letter to her because I believe that many of you may be experiencing a similar situation. My response is below:

It is never easy witnessing to someone or sharing God's truth for their life and watching them ignore it. It is even more difficult when they are a loved one.

I can't count the number of youth and adults that I have shared God's truth with only to have them continue on the path that led them to depression and despair.

The answer to your question is simplistic, but not necessarily easy. You are only responsible for sharing truth with people, they are responsible for what they do with it. You are right; you can't force anything on them or make the decisions for them- no matter how much you want to.

God understands your pain, he experiences the same thing on a daily basis, watching those he created specifically to have a deep, intimate, personal relationship with him only to have them reject salvation, or watch those who are his children refuse to apply truths to their lives that would allow them to have the peace and joy he so desperately wants for them.

What is my advice? There are several things you can do:
1. Continue to invite her to church
2. Continue to share how God has blessed you. Be specific on what truth you have applied and the blessings that have resulted from it.
3. Send her tapes or CD's of sermons or teachings that you have heard that you feel will meet one of her needs.
4. Allow her to face the consequences of her actions. This is difficult, but necessary. If you rescue her you may be taking away her need that will draw her to God. Some people need to suffer more than others to recognize their need for God.
5. Don't allow her to guilt you. Real guilt comes from doing something wrong and it leads to repentance. False guilt consumes you and keeps you from moving forward spiritually. I don't know your mother, but she may use guilt in an attempt to get you to meet needs that only God can. If you try to meet those, you will always come up short.
6. Base your decisions concerning your mother on truth and not your emotions. Your emotions are easily manipulated, but truth is the only solid foundation.
7. Confide in and listen to your husband. God has given you a godly man as your partner in life. Pray for God to give him wisdom as he helps you through this.
8. Continue to pray. Pray for wisdom. Cast demons away from your mother in the name of Jesus. Pray for angels to surround and protect her. Pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to her, and pray that she begins to listen.
9. Find your peace in your obedience to God in this situation, not in your ability to effect change. It is your job to love, the Holy Spirit's job to convict, and your mother's job to submit and change. Remember your place.

Ultimately you will have to give her to God. Trust him and remember that He loves her more than you do.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the Founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

Taking Inventory

Another year is upon us; and with comes another round of empty promises of change in the form of resolutions. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about change! I believe that is what the Christian walk is all about; allowing the Holy Spirit to show us what habits and behaviors we need to let go of and what actions we need to replace them with.

So, what promises have you made this year? Are you going to stop drinking so many soft drinks, quit smoking, or was it to lose the twenty pounds you gained over Thanksgiving? I believe those are important resolutions; our physical health is important, but what about our emotional health?

It has been said, “The greatest gift you can give your child is to love his mother.” I think that would also ring true for women loving their child’s father. If the parents are divorced you can replace the word love with respect. I believe that research will back me up when I say that children who come from homes where the parents love and respect each other have higher self esteem and fewer emotional problems.

Unfortunately, most couples don’t focus on keeping their relationship strong. As a counselor, it is frustrating when a couple walks into my office in a “last ditch effort to save their marriage.” I can’t say that it never works and marriages aren’t salvaged. What I am saying is that it sure would be a lot easier for the couple if they came into the counseling office at the first signs of trouble instead of waiting until one of them threatens to divorce the other!

Have you taken the time to make sure your marriage is functioning at its best? Most men have their vehicles checked on a regular basis to ensure that it is working properly. They don’t wait for the engine to lock up before they change the oil, but they will wait for their marriage to fail before they consider getting help.

Rate the following questions on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best:

How happy am I in my marriage?
My spouse meets my emotional needs.
My spouse considers me before themselves.
My spouse listens to me when I talk.

We will stop right there for now. When you are done rating your marriage, ask your spouse to do the same thing. Then sit down and compare your answers. Be willing to hear about areas they would like you to work on. If you find yourselves at an impasse, set an appointment with a counselor and get your marriage “tuned up.”

This year let’s make resolutions that count. Take an inventory of the most important relationship you have, and do what it takes to make it even better!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.

The Dangers of Boredom

There is nothing like a lengthy break from school and the heat of summer to tempt one of my children to say, “I’m bored; there’s nothing to do!” They usually say this to their mother thinking that I can’t hear them from the next room.

There is nothing that strikes fear into the hearts of my children more than hearing me ask, “You’re bored?” Their eyes grow to the size of saucers, and sweat begins to pour down the sides of their faces. Their eyes scan the room searching for a way to escape, only to realize that it’s too late.

“You’re bored and you need help finding something to do?” I ask again. At this point they frantically try to convince me they have plenty of options, because they know if I find them something to do it will be work!

You may think I am too harsh, or that I should have a little more compassion on my children. I don’t give my children work because I don’t love them; I give it to them because I want to teach them how to find something to do when they become bored.

Do you know what the number one excuse teenagers use as their reason to do drugs? It’s not peer pressure, thrill seeking, or trying to mask emotional pain. All of those are top reasons, but nationwide the number one excuse used is, “Nothing better to do.”

Don’t think that holds true for rural towns? I have personally had teenagers in the back of my patrol car, under arrest for drug possession, who gave the very same answer when I asked them why they were using drugs.

A 2000 Partnership Attitude Tracking Study showed that teenagers in rural areas were 50% more likely to use cocaine than urban kids, 34% likelier to smoke marijuana, 83% likelier to use crack cocaine, 29% likelier to drink alcohol, 70% likelier to have been drunk. They were also more than twice as likely to smoke cigarettes and nearly five times as likely to use smokeless tobacco.

Do you know why? Because in rural towns there are fewer movie theaters, roller rinks, putt-putt courses, go cart tracks and other clean fun opportunities than there are in an urban setting.

You may not be able to build a putt-putt course but there are things you can do to reduce the chances of your child using drugs. Spend time with your children individually; find something they are interested in and do it together. Develop a family night where you play games as a family. They may think it is lame at first, but be creative; allow them to pick the games or plan the evening. Cook a meal as a family, with the children selecting the menu.

You are only limited by your imagination. If your children show some resistance, show them a list of chores and give them a choice. I bet I know which one they’d choose!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the Founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547.