Is Your Home A Haven?

Men, have you ever come home late after a long day of work and open the garage door only to discover seventeen bicycles, four wagons, and a gazillion basketballs in the spot where you usually park your car? Then you walk into the house, take off your shoes so you won’t wake anyone, only to proceed to step on every lego toy every made this side of the Mississippi?

Then have your wife awakened by your screams and rushes to your aid wielding a baseball bat, because from the sounds you were making she assumed you were being attacked by three very large burglars. And let’s just be honest here, her giggling doesn’t help your attitude any as you begin to remove legos which seem to have become permanently embedded in the bottom of your foot!

At this point your attitude is shot! You begin to scream and holler about needing a place of rest and comfort to come home to. You work all day long and sometimes into the night, and this is what you have to contend with! Even the next day your attitude is sour and the kids keep their distance, not wanting to become your next victim.

It doesn’t take too many nights like this for your home to cease to become a haven to your children. And maybe it’s not because of angry outbursts; perhaps they feel like they don’t measure up: they don’t make the grade or fit the mold that you are trying to press them into. Under the pressure they shoot out of your house and into someone else’s where they feel accepted, safe, and secure.

It is not unusual for teenage children to find refuge in someone else’s house. But that is not what we envisioned when we were rocking them so many years ago. Not one of us thought, “I can’t wait until they hate me so much that they spend as little time in my house as possible!” And yet, that happens- a lot!

Although there are no guarantees, there are actions we can take to increase the odds of our home becoming the haven our children desperately want and need. The first one is to listen without judgment. When we use reflective listening and repeat our children’s ideas back to them we let them know we understand them.

It is important that you don’t immediately tell them they are wrong; you want to avoid disrespecting them. You can discuss ideas with them and disagree respectfully. Your child is looking more for your approval than your agreement! Show respect for them as people!

Something else we can do is to make time for the family. Game nights are especially good. However when you plan them, expect resistance, then it won’t tick you off so much when it occurs! The other night we were playing a game and John Mark kept saying, “Can I leave now?” at every opportunity. Of course I told him he couldn’t. He would look frustrated and say, Why?” Being prepared for this I jokingly responded, “Because one of the privileges of being a parent is torturing your children.” And then I winked at him. Within a few minutes he was into the next game we were playing and we had a great time.

As parents we need to stop reacting to our children and become proactive in building a haven for our children. Take a close look at what is not working in your home and come up with some positive actions you can take, and commit to continue to do them even if you don’t immediately get the reaction that you want.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

The Holidays Commeth!

Even though it seems that everyone loves the holidays, this is not necessarily the case. There are many out there who dread the holidays approaching. For them they are not a reminder of happy times, but of sadness. Instead of making plans with loved ones, they look forward to sitting alone on those special days remembering what once was, or what could have been.

For these individuals trite sayings won’t fix their emotional pain. “Getting over it” isn’t an option, and “letting go, letting God” seems almost impossible as the hours of loneliness tick by.

What can cause this kind of depression during the holidays in otherwise normally functioning people?

A recent death. Do you know someone who has lost someone this past year or in the past several years? If you do, then you need to pay close attention to them during the holidays. Even though they may have years of wonderful memories to dwell upon, knowing that special person isn’t going to be cutting the turkey or opening presents this year is enough to send them into a deep depression.

A recent divorce. Dealing with a divorce can sometimes be as bad as dealing with the death of a loved one. Instead of there being a feeling of finality, there is a constant reminder of the loss when they see their former spouse with someone else. They may have to share the children during the holidays, increasing their sense of loss.

Bad memories. Some people haven’t had such joyous holidays in the past. Maybe a certain family member who they only saw on holidays molested them. Perhaps their parents showed favoritism to another sibling, or there was always discord or fighting during the holidays.

If you know someone who has a difficult time with the holidays or someone who has suffered a recent divorce or death of a loved one, make sure they have a place to go this year. Invite them to join your family for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Have a small gift for them under your tree, and expect nothing in return.

There are two main actions that help people get through grief: one is time and the other is talking. We can’t control time, but we can be a listening ear for them to talk. Allowing them to tell stories of the past, good times or bad, help them to work through their grief.

Helping people to build new memories and being willing to listen to their pain are two of the greatest gifts we can give someone during the holidays. Who knows, your actions this year may completely change someone’s perspective of the holidays.

Johnny is a Christian counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Making Time

I have been all over the country this week! In the past seven days I have been in Atlanta, Georgia, Bristol, Virginia, Houston, Texas and right now I am sitting in Phoenix, Arizona. Needless to say, I am tired!

As I stood in line for one of my flights I pulled my MP3 player out of my carry on bag ready to plug in and disappear from the world. While standing there I wound up chatting with a guy (I’ll call him Fred) and then sat next to him on the plane.

As we are chatting the conversation turned to our families and he shared with me some of the struggles he was having in his marriage. They were not out of the ordinary; I have spoken with hundreds of couples over the years who have dealt with similar issues, but to him they weren’t ordinary- they were real problems!

I hate to admit it, but my selfish side started to kick in. I had anticipated relaxing and listening to my music during the flight. I stared out the window for a moment as the conversation lulled, tempted not to say another word.

My internal battle didn’t last but a minute when I turned back to Fred and said, “So what do you think the answer is?” That is all it took to start the conversation up again. Over the next hour we talked and I shared with him some of the tough times my wife and I had been through over the years and the paths we’d taken to find positive solutions to those problems.

As we were getting off the plane I noticed a woman in front of us standing up holding a copy of the book “The Purpose Driven Life.” I asked, “Do you like the book?” She told me that she had just started it. I told her how much I enjoyed it thinking the conversation would end there. Suddenly she turned and said, “I didn’t mean to be eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help but overhear some of your conversation. Do you know any Christian Counselors in Phoenix?”

I told her about the website, http://www.findchristiancounselor.com/, gave her my card and told her, “If you can’t find one there, call me and I will do what I can through my resources to help you find one.”

As I exited the plane I thought to myself how much hinged on that one decision I had made while looking out the window of the airplane. To be honest I will probably never know what impact I had on Fred or that woman who was sitting in front of us. If nothing else, I did what I could to encourage them to stay on the right path.

It made me wonder how many times I had missed opportunities to reach out to someone because I was too busy, too tired, or just wanted to do what I wanted to do. All it took for me to encourage Fred was to make time to listen.

Galatians 6:10 says, “Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” You don’t have to have a Bible scholar or a degreed counselor to do this; you just have to have the willingness to make time.

The next time someone reaches out to you, make time to listen to them. You will be amazed at how much it will mean to them and how good it will make you feel!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Guidelines for Effective Discipline (Part 2)

When my column on Guidelines for Effective Discipline ran in the newspaper a few weeks ago, part of the column was inadvertently deleted during the editing process. In the last part of the column there was supposed a list of effective discipline techniques. Instead what it read was: “This is effective discipline for teenagers: Timeout.”

This is not true, and I felt it was necessary to share with you the techniques I believe are helpful for you to become a more effective disciplinarian. What you should have read was:

Effective discipline separates the child from their behavior. Instead of attacking the child you are attacking the behavior.

1. Setting Clear Boundaries. Let your child know exactly what you expect and what sort of discipline they will face if they chose to disobey.
2. The One Warning System. You can warn your children when they are getting close to crossing a boundary you have set, but don’t warn them more than once or it will be seen as a threat.

3. Consistency. For boundaries to remain clear you must discipline your child every time he crosses it. The moment you fail to be consistent they will start to see the boundary as only a threat.

4. Confronting Behaviors. If your child is acting like a spoiled brat you can say, “You are acting like a spoiled child, and that is not who you are. I expect this to stop and if it doesn’t (insert discipline here) will happen.” Don’t forget to follow through.

5. Grace. Grace is giving something to a child that they don’t deserve. If they are grounded for a week and they have made the necessary attitude adjustments, it is ok to lessen the discipline. It teaches them what God has done for all of us. But use this sparingly or you will be seen as a pushover.

6. Spanking. Corporal punishment can be very effective. I encourage parents to use their hands so they can feel how hard they are hitting. This should wane by the teen years as it can cause older children to rise up and hit back, and should never be done while angry.

7. Grounding. Some children are very social creatures. Keeping them from their friends can be a very effective tool in molding their attitudes and actions. (This is very effective with teenagers.)

8. Time Out. Separating your child from the situation can give him and you the time needed for tempers to calm down.

9. Sitting in the Corner. A variation of time out that can be effective for children who have a tendency to wander around a room and play when they are supposed to be in time out. Expect to have to sit there and monitor them, or check on them every few minutes.

It is very important that the discipline be age appropriate. What worked when you child was eight probably won’t work when they are thirteen. It is also important to avoid humiliating your child. Discipline is about giving negative consequences for wrong behavior. It should be well thought through, not done in anger, and never used as a way to “get even.” When clear boundaries are set and age appropriate discipline is dispensed consistently, I believe you will begin to see a change in your child’s behavior for the better.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547