Christmas Conflict

As Christmas approaches stress levels go up. The children’s stress level comes from the excitement of opening presents on Christmas day, and their parents are stressed from running from store to store to store in hopes of finding every item on their child’s wish list. (As the commercials tell us, “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like stuff!”)

Whether the stress is from positive sources or negative, they have a tendency to collide during the holidays. And then there is the dreaded day. It’s not that we don’t want to celebrate Christmas, we do! It’s figuring out where to celebrate it that becomes difficult.

Whose parent’s house do we go to this year? And how do we get all of the presents there? This may not be a big issue when you have one child, but the more arrows you add to your quiver, the bigger an issue it becomes.

Add to that your expectations of Christmas. Maybe you have this Christmas card image of what your holiday is going to be like. Unfortunately, the most well laid plans often don’t come together like we think they should. So, disappointment is added to our stress level.

Perhaps you don’t have in-laws, but “outlaws” instead. You don’t like them, they don’t like you, or both. There is another stressor that you can look forward to this holiday season.

My point is not to look like a scrooge here, but to be realistic. Hopefully you are not experiencing all of the stressors I mentioned, but you are probably facing some of them. And we need to realize that if we don’t handle our stress in appropriately, we often wind up frustrated, hurt, angry and disappointed during a season that is supposed to be about love, giving and joy.

Here are a few tips that may help ease your stress level during the Christmas season:

1. Take time for yourself- Whether it’s a bubble bath or a few hours out in the woods, taking time to do things that please you will help!

2. Take time for your marriage- Put all of the hustle and bustle aside and go out on a date. (Christmas shopping with the wife doesn’t count guys!)

3. Be flexible- Don’t demand it all be done the way your family has always done it; be willing to compromise.

4. Create new traditions- Creating new ones can be as special as keeping old ones!

5. Sing- It sounds silly, but when I feel a little “scrooge-ish” singing a fun Christmas carol can help put me back in the holiday spirit.

6. Count your blessings- Stop focusing on what you don’t have, and focus on what you do have!

7. Remember the reason for the season- I know it has become a cliché, but it is too important to forget! We are celebrating Jesus’ birth, a process of grace that ended in great sacrifice for you!

Have a Merry Christmas; or don’t! It’s your choice! You choose the attitude you want to have. I hope yours is a happy one!

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Identifying With Your Father

Being a father is one of the greatest privileges a man can have. Being the father of four I have found each child with similar needs and yet having unique ways in how they go about getting those needs met.

Jackson is now one year old, and his personality is starting to really come out. He is Mr. Gadget! Don’t leave your cell phone lying around or you might find a charge to China on your next phone bill!

Jackson also has a unique way of identifying with me. One way he does this is eating with me. There are times I come home late from counseling and I will be eating my supper in the kitchen alone. Jackson will come into the kitchen, climb up in my lap and eat with me.

He leans back onto my chest, and I’ll get a bite, and then he will. Back and forth we go until he is full or the food is gone. I have tried putting him in his high chair, but he like to sit with me and eat. It’s a great time of intimacy with him.

He also loves my keys. As I empty my pockets at night he will stand there reaching up to my pocket for my keys. I just thought it was the keys he loved until I made him a set and gave them to him one evening as he was reaching for mine. He immediately threw them on the floor and reached up for mine again.

I tried an experiment. I took the keys he had thrown down and hooked them to my belt loop. It took about two minutes, but he finally looked that those keys and wanted them. When I gave them to him that time he took them, and started pretending to open the bedroom door with them.

It wasn’t just keys he wanted; he wanted something of mine. Somewhere in his little mind was the idea that if it belonged to me it was very special to him. He longs to be with me and he wants the things that I have. He obeys my commands, because more than anything he wants to please me.

I began to think about my personal relationship with God. God is my heavenly father, and much like me with my children, he wants an intimate relationship with me, and He wants one with you too!

I have to admit that I am not following him around and seeking those intimate connections like Jackson is doing with me. And yet, every time I start seeking after him again he is right there, ready to spend time with me, to love on me, to encourage me.

In Jeremiah 29:13 God tells us, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” The Hebrew word for seek here means, “to search out, to seek, to strive after, or to beg.”

Just like little Jackson begs to get into my lap and share a meal with me, God wants us to seek after him. It is in our father’s arms that we will find the intimacy and peace we so desperately want. So, take the time; go, seek and you will find.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at (770) 456-5547

Relationship Busters

There is not a relationship out there that hasn’t gone through difficult times. In fact, most couples can point to a time where they were worried that their relationship may not make it. During these difficult times we reach out for help, but where we reach out can determine the difference between actually finding help and damaging our relationship further.

The first place we typically reach out for help is our friends. These people care about us; they wouldn’t steer us in the wrong direction, right? The problem with going to our friends is that they are on our side. Oftentimes they simply tell us what we want to hear. The support they give us may make us feel better for the moment, but they are only looking out for us, not necessarily our relationship.

We also go to our family for advice. I don’t care how long you have been married and how much your parents like your spouse, blood is thicker than water! Even if your family member gives you good advice and helps you and your spouse stay together, you still have to eat Thanksgiving dinner together.

What I mean by this is simple. The more you talk negatively about your spouse to your family, the more difficult time your spouse is going to have getting along with your them. You may be able to quickly forgive your spouse for their hurtful comments, but your mother or father will remember it for a long time. By going to them for advice you are damaging their relationship with your spouse, which will affect you in the long run.

Another common place we get advice for our marriage is from a member of the opposite sex. Most of the time we find this person at work, and it is the most dangerous person to go to for advice. We often rationalize our behavior by saying that we are tying to find out information from our spouses perspective, but what is really going on is we are looking for acceptance and approval from a member of the opposite sex.

By doing this we are jeopardizing our marriages even further because the message we are sending this person is that we are unhappy in our marriage and that we are emotionally vulnerable. This person will often tell you what you want to hear and you will find yourself wondering why your spouse can’t be as understanding as this person.

This sort of comparison is unfair and dangerous. It is unfair because typically you are comparing years of hurt and baggage to just a few weeks of infatuation. It is dangerous because the nature of infatuation is superficial emotions. This “emotional quickie” will always win when compared to the hurtful issues in your marriage. Once this occurs, you are one step closer to having a sexual affair.

If you are experiencing frustration in your marriage use your friends and family for support and encouragement, but limit the negative details. Seek help from a trained professional. Counselors are not only trained to help people through difficult times, they are not biased. They will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can find archived columns on the internet at www.familyworks.blogspot.com