What Is The Opposite Of Love?

I was talking with a woman in my office whose marriage was on the rocks. She had been so hurt by her husband that she was ready to call an attorney and file for divorce. I will never forget her words to me, because I have heard them over and over from individuals in similar situations. She looked up at me through her tears and said, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. It hurts too much; I just don’t love him anymore.”

After listening to her for awhile I asked her a simple question, “What is the opposite of love?” She said, “That’s easy, it’s hate.” I had to disagree with her, and I want to share with you what I shared with her.

Most people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It makes sense, and at face value it seems to be the opposite side of that coin. But to hate someone, to be hurt, or to be disappointed requires some level of love, whether it be romantic, friendship, or just a love for your fellow man.

You may be giving me the same look that most people give me when I say this, but it’s true. Our hurt comes from the fact that we have given ourselves to someone and they have not reciprocated in the way we thought they should. If disregard long enough or if they do something very mean to us, then we turn that emotion of love into hatred. But to hate still requires a level of desire for the relationship.

The opposite of love is not hate, its apathy. Apathy is the absence of emotion. It is the absence of caring and the absence of an emotional reaction.

Telling someone that they still have feelings for someone who they hate may seem counter productive, but I have found it to be invaluable in helping them to heal. It may be that realizing they have feelings for them can be the first step in healing the relationship. It could be that relationship is over, but knowing that their hatred is keeping them attached to that individual is the first step in letting go, because when we hate someone we are allowing them to control us emotionally.

Relationships are in danger when people are hurt and angry with each other, but relationships are withering when there is no more emotion left and apathy sets in. I am not talking about the passive aggressive withdrawing of emotion, but true apathy. But neither situation is hopeless!

If you are hurting or you find yourself bitter against your spouse or someone you used to care about, find a counselor to help you work through the emotional turmoil. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out the way you want it to, knowing that you have done all you can and being able to release that person through forgiveness in reality will release you from their emotional hold on you.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach Johnny at (770) 456-5547

Guidelines for Effective Discipline

Ok, the first thing I want to make very clear here is that I am not the perfect disciplinarian! My wife and I flounder around like everyone else trying to find out what works best for our children. I can’t count the number of times I have wished that my children came with an instruction manual! And each of the little stinkers is different; what works with one may not work effectively with another. (I am sure this is God’s sense of humor at work.)

Maybe the best place to start talking about effective discipline is to look at a few ineffective forms of discipline. Ineffective discipline is usually focused on the child personally and not the behavior. It can leave the child hurting emotionally and sometimes physically.

1. Yelling. I can speak from personal experience here. When you yell at someone, it doesn’t get your point across any clearer. In fact, it usually causes the listener to shut you out.

2. Sarcasm. Sarcasm is belittling and usually teaches your children how to be sarcastic back to you instead of remembering the point you were trying to make.

3. Being Mean. If you have more than one child and you ground one of them, don’t point out things they can’t do now that their grounded. It is hurtful and causes them to resent you.

4. Spanking in Anger. If you are angry it is usually due to the fact that your focus is not on disciplining bad behavior, but discipline only occurs when you are fed up. If you use corporal punishment when you are angry you greatly increase the risk of physically abusing your child.

5. Threats. A threat is like a warning (see below) without any follow up. The threat of discipline without consistent follow through makes you unbelievable.

6. Name Calling. Yes, they may be acting like brats but calling them brats to their face is emotionally damaging. You are their first source of identity. They will believe what you tell them!

Effective discipline separates the child from their behavior. Instead of attacking the child you are attacking the behavior.

1. Setting Clear Boundaries. Let your child know exactly what you expect and what sort of discipline they will face if they chose to disobey.

2. The One Warning System. You can warn your children when they are getting close to crossing a boundary you have set, but don’t warn them more than once or it will be seen as a threat.

3. Consistency. For boundaries to remain clear you must discipline your child every time he crosses it. The moment you fail to be consistent they will start to see the boundary as only a threat.

4. Confronting Behaviors. If your child is acting like a spoiled brat you can say, “You are acting like a spoiled child, and that is not who you are. I expect this to stop and if it doesn’t (insert discipline here) will happen.” Don’t forget to follow through.

5. Grace. Grace is giving something to a child that they don’t deserve. If they are grounded for a week and they have made the necessary attitude adjustments, it is ok to lessen the discipline. It teaches them what God has done for all of us. But use this sparingly or you will be seen as a pushover.

6. Spanking. Corporal punishment can be very effective. I encourage parents to use their hands so they can feel how hard they are hitting. This should wane by the teen years as it can cause older children to rise up and hit back, and should never be done while angry.

7. Grounding. Some children are very social creatures. Keeping them from their friends can be a very effective tool in molding their attitudes and actions. This is very effective with teenagers.
Time Out. Separating your child from the situation can give him and you the time needed for tempers to calm down.

8. Sitting in the Corner. A variation of time out that can be effective for children who have a tendency to wander around a room and play when they are supposed to be in time out. Expect to have to sit there and monitor them, or check on them every few minutes.

Discipline is most effective when done in a calm manner, separating the child’s behavior from who they are personally. Make sure the discipline is age appropriate. Talking to your child before the discipline about why the discipline is about to occur helps them to understand the boundary more clearly. If they argue, tell them that you are not asking them to agree, but to understand the meaning of the words you are speaking. You can follow the discipline with them telling you why they were disciplined and then telling you what you expect in the future.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

The Ability To Keep Going

I was watching my oldest son, John Mark, play tennis a few weeks ago in Hoover, Alabama. This is his first year playing, but I have to admit I am impressed with how quickly he has picked up the sport. This was the first match I had been able to attend and I was sitting on the far side of the court, quietly; not wanting to distract him or make him nervous.

This tennis match was played until one of them won eight games. Even though John Mark is a good tennis player he was playing a more experienced person, and it didn’t take long before John Mark was down seven to two. I prepared to watch the final game of the match, and was practicing my encouragement speech in my head as I yelled, “You’re doing great!”

Something happened in John Mark; he became more focused. His shots were more purposeful and his form improved as he began to remember the fundamentals of the game. Before I knew it the score was seven to four, and eventually seven to seven.

The last game of the match came down to one point. It was forty all and John Mark won the final point! He was so excited! I congratulated him as he walked over to me with a huge grin on his face, and told him that he could pick the restaurant where we would eat.

As we walked to the car I told him that even if he had lost, he would still have been able to pick the restaurant because I was so proud of his determination; he had refused to give up. His grin became even bigger as he piled into the van.

So often we view God as someone who is always pushing us to be perfect, and see him shaking his head in disappointment every time we make a mistake or lose a battle.

God is not a sadistic perfectionist just waiting for the moment when we mess up so he can come down on us. He is not so performance oriented that he withdraws his love from us when we fail.

Unfortunately, many of us do view God this way, and when we do we have a tendency to throw up our hands in defeat and say, “What’s the use?” Sometimes we use our inability to perform perfectly as an excuse to quit or to keep us from even trying.

Knowing who we are in Christ, and learning to understand the depths of the grace he provides for us is the foundation of our ability to endure hardship and not give up. Knowing that all God wants from us is our best and not the perfect performance takes the stress of possible failure off our backs. We are God’s children, not his adults!

After the match John Mark told me, “I wasn’t going to lose the first match my Dad was able to come watch.” I smiled and asked, “You do realize that I am more proud of your effort than your win, don’t you?” He smiled and said, “Yes.”

If I can give that kind of love and support to my son, how much more does God have for me and you? There is no comparison!

Whatever you are struggling with today, a job issue, a relationship issue, anxiety, whatever it is, simply rest in the knowledge that God’s love for you will not change regardless of the outcome. Don’t stop moving forward! Keep on going; God can use your worst mistakes for his good, and his grace covers up all sin, not just some.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

Doing All You Can

All relationships are difficult; marriages, friendships, dating and working relationships. I don’t care how great yours is going right now, at some point it will become difficult. These rough patches are usually due to the fact that we are not getting what we want out of the relationship; our needs are not being met.

One thing that really stinks about being in a relationship is the lack of control. There is absolutely no way to make someone do what you want them to do, at least not long term. That doesn’t stop people from trying though. We demand, throw fits, manipulate, or use passive aggressive behavior; all of these are ploys we use to try to control others.

The stress of trying to control someone else is exhausting. Constantly worrying that they are doing what they are supposed to do, the arguing and fighting, and wondering if they are really sincere can wear you down. (A little side note here: if you have to manipulate someone to get them to do what you want they are not sincere, they are just avoiding your emotional punishment!)

My daughter started private school this year and has had her first experience with mean girls. The short version is that she got her feelings hurt by a girl and was mean back to her. The result was the other girl getting her friends to be mean to my daughter. Instead of marching down to the school and demanding things be made right, Alisa and I went another route and decided to teach Ann Marie about doing what was right even though she didn’t get positive results from the people around her.

It was a rough start, but the results have been wonderful. Ann Marie has realized several things through this experience: popularity is fleeting, retaliation can backfire on you, and you can’t change others. However, the most important lesson she learned was: by controlling your reactions to others the situation may not change, but how you feel about yourself does.

Instead of being nice to get the other girls to be nice back, she is being nice because God’s word says to do good things to those who do bad things to you. Instead of allowing others actions to dictate how she feels about herself, she is learning to base her self esteem on her relationship with God and how well she reacts to the situation.

When we base how we treat others on their response to us our emotions are in turmoil and others are actually in control of us. But when we realize who we are in Christ, realizing we are loved unconditionally, then share that love with others regardless of how they react, our perspective changes.

Those girls may never decide to be Ann Marie’s friends, but at the end of the day my daughter can know that she has done all she can. She is not responsible for their behavior, only hers.

If there is a relationship in your life that is strained, find truths in God’s word to apply to that situation. Swallow your pride and make adjustments in your reactions so that at the end of the day you can say, “I have truly done all that I can.” You will be surprised at the difference it will make.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

Children Crave Discipline

I have a confession to make. I have been watching MTV. I know what you are thinking, “What, you?” It’s not what you think though. I heard about this show they were airing on the Hoover High School football team called “Two-A-Days.” As I was channel surfing the other night (one of my favorite hobbies) I ran across it and started watching.

The coach, Rush Propst, is strict on his players. He expects nothing less than perfection from them. When they don’t give 110% he can really go off on them! But, he puts together winning teams and has had over 40 players sign college scholarships. He is a man who gets the job done!

The episode I saw showed them losing to Tuscaloosa, and the coach really gave it to them after the game and then left them with, “I’ll see you Sunday!” I can imagine the dread those boys felt throughout the weekend anticipating the tough workout they were fixing to endure.

On one of the closing clips they showed Coach Propst talking to the camera. I don’t know what they had asked him, but his response was, “Kids crave discipline, they crave it!”

He is absolutely right!

I would be willing to bet money that Coach Propst is in their mind on and off the field. Knowing what he expects, and knowing that he will follow through with every threat he utters makes them think. When tempted to do something they shouldn’t do the thought, “What is coach going to do if he finds out” probably crosses their minds.

They may not like their coach all the time, they may even talk about him in negative ways off the field, but the discipline that he dishes out causes them to walk a straighter line than they would if the didn’t follow through with his threats. He has earned their respect.

There is something about discipline, knowing what will happen every time they cross a boundary that makes a child feel safe.

A child who knows that he will catch more grief when he gets home for doing something wrong than he will from his friends for refusing to do it, gives that child a sense of security. It takes the pressure of making difficult decisions off of him.

In Psalm 111:10 the Bible says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” The word fear in Hebrew means “moral reverence, dread, or exceedingly fearful.” Its knowing what God can do that can keep us following his path. God loves us enough to discipline us when we disobey.

Our children need discipline; they need to have a fear of what will happen to them if they cross a boundary that we set. Not a fear of abuse, but that we will follow through with what we say, every time! By instilling discipline in our children we not only reduce the stress of making difficult decisions, we increase the odds of them having a successful life.

Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. You can reach him at 770-456-5547

What Did You Expect?

Alisa and I are in a marriage enrichment class at church. I really enjoy these types of classes because they encourage you to go deeper personally and in your relationship with your spouse. During the first class that Alisa and I attended the topic of expectations came up.

Every person enters into a relationship with expectations. Some people say that they don’t, but there is no way not to! They may not be written out on long lists or etched into stones, but they are still there. And I can prove it!

The easiest way to do this is to find out what upsets them. What is it that you do that makes them disappointed, angry or hurt. When you discover this you will find an expectation that hasn’t been met! You can’t be disappointed unless you expected something different first.

We usually obtain our expectations from marriage from our parents. Whatever we saw our parents do became our norm. If our parents yelled at each other when they were angry, then that is normal to us, and when we get mad at our spouse we will probably yell too!

This works for expectations as well. For example, if your parents never argued in front of you, you may have grown up thinking that couples who love each other don’t fight. And then you get marry a man whose parents yelled and screamed at each other. Your expectation just got crushed!

For expectations to work, they must pass two qualifications: They have to be reasonable and realistic.

By reasonable I mean that most people in your situation would expect the same thing. For example, you may expect your husband to make a million dollars a year. That could be a reasonable expectation if your father and your friend’s fathers were all billionaires.

By realistic I mean that based on your personal experience with your spouse you can expect a certain action or reaction from them. For example, if you chose to marry a great guy who loves and adores you, but never made it out of the 8th grade, your expectation of him making a million dollars a year is not very realistic, no matter how reasonable it seemed!

If your expectation of your spouse fails one of these tests you have a problem that you have to deal with, and you may need to change that expectation.

By being willing to examine our expectations to see if they are reasonable and realistic we reduce our chances of making demands that frustrate our spouses and increase our chances of having a successful marriage.

Johnny Walker is a Christian counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling. YOu can reach him at 770-456-5547